He Didn't Want to Be Alone

A day or so ago, Peter was watching a movie and I heard the Eric Carmen song, "All By Myself" playing as part of the soundtrack. It struck me that it could have been yet another theme song of Leif's, though I never heard him play it and don't remember finding it among his music collection. It is such a very sad song, haunting and poignant, and the lyrics sum up in great measure what Leif was feeling. So many songs have a lot to say about life, if you truly listen to the lyrics. It seems oddly coincidental that Carmen wrote it in 1975, the year that Leif was born, which may be one reason he didn't have it. It wasn't part of the popular music scene when he was collecting music.

Having someone to love and be with is so critically important to human well-being, and being alone and without love is so sad and demoralizing. Leif kept himself closed off in many ways, not opening up to anyone except the woman he loved, and when he was without that kind of companionship, he suffered in many ways. He keenly felt the need for a soulmate.

One subject I have alluded to many times in this blog but haven't really addressed is Leif's love life. I did write about his romance with and marriage to Nikko, but not the other women in his life. I can't really write about them as openly as I have about other areas of his life because it isn't fair to them to expose their lives on this blog. However, I can't pretend to close the story of his life in the next few months without trying to tell the stories in whatever ways I can without identifiying people other than Leif. Partly, I can use essays and emails he wrote, but before i try to begin that process, I'm going to post the lyrics to "All By Myself," because they speak to me of Leif's life and longings.

Eric Carmen's "All by Myself" Lyrics:

When I was young,
I never needed anyone.
Makin' love was just for fun.
Those days are gone.

Livin' alone,
I think of all the friends I've known.
But when I dial the telephone,
Nobody's home.

All by myself,
Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore.
All by myself,
Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore.

Hard to be sure,
Some times I feel so insecure.
And love so distant and obscure,
Remains the cure.

All by myself,
Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore.
All by myself,
Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore.

When I was young,
I never needed anyone.
And makin' love was just for fun.
Those days are gone.

All by myself,
Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore.
All by myself,
Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore.

All by myself,
Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore.
All by myself,
Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore.
All by myself...

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If this song speaks to you, I hope you find love, companionship, friendship. If you want the song, it has been sung by many artists, beginning with Eric Carmen himself in 1975. Carmen used music that he composed along with a theme from Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor. I am going to embed a YouTube video of him singing it in another post.

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This photo is a self-portrait of Leif that he took (among a series of similar shots) on April 26, 2003, when he was divorced and alone and hadn't found a new love yet. It was taken in the 710 N, 9th Street house where he was living in Manhattan, Kansas.