Leif 40 Years Ago Today

Yesterday I was looking for something on my computer and happened across a video clip of Leif's first two years. The quality was pretty lousy, because it had been taped onto VHS tape years ago, already degrading the resolution, and then digitized from that in 2008, but even with the fuzzy focus it was so precious to see that beautiful little boy, so young, so tiny (even though a "giant"for his age) and so vulnerable. I watched it with a mixture of happy nostalgia and sadness. I want to go back and try to digitize it again from the original 8mm movies and see whether I could get a better version.

This photo was taken during that period, and almost exactly 40 years ago, September 1976, in Charlottesville, Virginia. The reason for the odd position of my arm around him was that we were playing wrestling games on the floor, and "dump truck," a game he loved, where I'd lie on the floor and have him on my lower legs, then lift him up and "dump" him on my chest.

What a beautiful child he was. I miss that little boy. I miss the man he became. It's nearly eight-and-a-half years since his death, and it still affects us every day of our lives, and it always will.

Star Wars - Missing Leif at the Movie

Yesterday we went to see Star Wars Episode VII - The Force Awakens. We saw it in IMAX 3D, and it was magnificent. It was gripping all the way through, and it had all the classic elements of the tale of freedom against tyranny. It brought back the original stars, and scattered throughout were so many visual and plot references to the earlier films. The special effects were spectacular, and seeing it that large in 3D made it far more so. I enjoyed every minute of it, but at several points throughout the movie I had tears in my eyes or even rolling down my cheeks because I thought how much Leif would have loved it and he wasn't there to share it with.

Originally, we had hoped to go see it with Peter Anthony and Darren, which would have been great full for old times sake, though I would still have missed sharing with with Leif, too, and would have cried for that. I wish we had been able to see it with them.

As it was, I told myself I wasn't only seeing it for me, I was seeing it for Leif, but of course, that's only a nice thought; not in any way realistic.

I grieve for all he has missed, and all he will miss, the movies, the technology, but also what I had hoped for him in life, love, a family, a job that made use of his amazing mind.

If he had persevered, had lived, I don't know whether his life would have gotten better, or just been more misery for him. I don't know whether his health would have continued to deteriorate.

It's nice to think that if he had lived, things would have gotten better, but there's no real evidence that would have been true.

But whatever might have been a different outcome, I know what this one is. This one is missing him. This one is missing sharing something I know he would have loved. This one is missing talking with him about it, his enthusiasm, his insights.

There are so many things inextricably bound to him in my mind. They will always remind me of him and what we have lost.

And so, I completely enjoyed this movie, and completely surrender to the grief of not being able to share at least the discussion of it with him.

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The photo of Peter Anthony and Leif playing with some of their Star Wars toys was taken in October 1979 in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany. Leif was four-and-a-half years old.

Another Movie Leif Would Have Loved

One of the things Leif and his dad had in common was a love of movies, and their tastes were generally quite similar, and also quite eclectic. Since Peter continues to watch a lot of movies, it's frequently a way that we are reminded of Leif, particularly when it's a movie we know he would really have enjoyed.

Leif also had a great sense of humor and loved whacky stuff. One of the things he and I had in common was an odd sense of humor and one of his compliments for me was, "Mom, you're weird.:

A few days ago, Peter W. said he thought I needed to take a break and watch a good comedy. So often, movies he checks out that purport to be comedies aren't the least bit funny to me, so I was dubious. He said we were going to watch "The Ugly Truth." When I asked him what it was about, he couldn't tell me. He requests movies by the popularity lists for moves that are new on DVD and often doesn't really know what they are.

So, I sat down in the living room without high expectations . . . and soon found myself laughing out loud and saying how much Leif would have enjoyed this movie.

If you've been reading this blog all along, and you saw this movie, you would know why that's so without me having to say another word. Mike Chadway (played by Gerard Butler) has a television show telling women how to understand and date men, and he does so in very graphic, crude and somewhat cynical terms . . . and yet he's right on in a number of ways that Leif wrote about. Of course, it's fairly one-dimensional, which Leif would have agreed with, too, saying that men have to learn about intimacy.

The female lead, Abby (played by Katherine Heigl) is a tv producer and control freak who can't stand what Mike is dishing out but in the end agrees to try his advice to land a date with a "dreamboat." It works, but in the end, somewhat predictably, Mike and Abby fall for each other.

It's cute, funny, and spouts a lot of things guys will recognize, and it's quite entertaining. Leif would have been laughing uproariously and making a lot of comments. He wouldn't in the least have minded the graphic language.

I know that there will always be these moments when Peter and I look at each other and say, "Leif would have loved that," and wished we could share it with him as we did in the past.
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This photo of Leif was taken at the City of Refuge on the Big Island of Hawaii in the summeer of 1983. He was eight years old and we were just moving to Hawaii.

Another Movie Leif Would Have Loved

I just saw another movie Leif would have enjoyed, as much for the brilliant religious satire as for the humor and the interesting social commentary, as much for the characterization of truth and gullibility as the message about the social importance of some kinds of lying and the enriching qualities of fiction. "The Invention of Lying" would have engendered of of those great, lively discussions our family always loved. How I wish we could have shared that with him!

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This photo of Leif was taken in Thailand in December 1981. It just seems to go with the funny themes of the movie.

Avatar - The Movie He Would Have Loved

It was two years ago that Leif bought his Xbox 360 precisely so he could play the game Mass Effect. He was completely mesmerized by it and talked to us at great length about how good it was, in every way, story, graphics, music. He played it for many hours at a time, creating more than one character and playing different choices to see how the game would play out. He was fascinated that he could create a character much in his own likeness, and he did. Leif also liked to play role-playing games from the viewpoint of different characters, and always created female as well as male characters to play, whether in his CyberPunk games, Mass Effect, or others. He took many screen shots of his Mass Effect games and characters and some movie clips of his games, all of which I found on his computer. These are a few of the character shots. I don't know which game he used her in, but one of his female characters was named Arielle.

Leif loved science fiction, from Star Wars and Star Trek to Battlestar Galactica, and it was sad that he didn't stay alive to see the end of the Battlestar Galactica series, one he had watched, purchased through iTunes, watched again, and extolled in many ways.

Leif loved James Cameron's movies and watched them over and over. He had a lot of analytical things to say about them, as he did all the others above.

Yesterday afternoon we went to see "Avatar." Part of the way through it, I turned to Peter W. and said, "This is Leif's movie." It was the quintessential "Leif's movie." How he would have loved it! He would have seen it over and over. He would have purchased it. He would have memorized it. He would have analyzed it.

There were so many themes in this movie that were Leif's, from the injured and crippled marine who found a new life plugged into an avatar link ( which reminded me of the novel he began, the extant chapters of which I posted here), to the blue-skinned and wide-golden-eyed women of the Pandora planet. When he was working with the ZAON designers, one of the things he liked to do was experiment with the "look" of "other species" invented for the game, and change skin color, eye color and mix ethnic characteristics to get startling and striking new combinations. He would have loved the willowy blue beings in Avatar.

He would have loved the individualistic, defiant and courageous Jake Sully, and reveled in the battle scenes, the visual richness of the Pandora world, the incredible technology used to make this film. He would have thrilled to the mission Jake took on to save the Na'vi people and their planet from destruction at the hands of greedy humans from earth.

How I wish I could have shared this experience with him! How I wish he had seen it! The film made me cry, but I cried as much for Leif and the fact he could not see it with me as for the story itself. This was HIS movie.

Leif at Thai Thani in Tampa, Florida - July 9, 2006 - Age 31

There are so many things that bring back memories of Leif and the good times we had together. Saturday (June 13) we went to Thai Thani Restaurant in Tampa with Madeleine and Aly, and then saw "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" at the iMax theater there at Channelside. That was one of Leif's favorite things to do. We would meet him there and enjoy dinner and a show. On July 9, 2006, we were there and I happened to take a photo of him with my cell phone. I think I did it because that was when my phone was new and we were experimenting with it. it's just a small, low-pixel image and you can't see any detail, but it's still precious to me because it depicts a happy memory. He would have enjoyed being there for Thai food with the girls and seeing that over-the-top movie . . . and would have been full of talk about the new movies that interested him. How I wish we could be making a date to do it all again.

Leif's CyberPunk Space Ship Drawings - Group 3

The top drawing has the most complete labeling of the nine space ship drawings in this series. It is the "S.S. Sorchalynn Fulcrum Class Corvette" commanded by "Captain Cailus Brietei. It is 90 meters long, 65 meters wide, 20 meters high and the cargo capacity is specified. It carries a crew of 30 and has 2 ion cannons, 2 laser cannons, 6 double laser cannons, 6 medium laser cannons, 1 tractor beam projector, and 2 proton torpedo launcher.

The middle and bottom ships are of a very different design than any of his other ones, following a curved motif. The middle one is the "S.S. Soriano, a Tomahawk Class Destroyer," and the bottom one is a "Barbier Class Scout," showing side and back views as well as the view looking down on the top of it.

Last night we saw the new Star Trek movie. We all (Peter Anthony and Darren were with us) commented on how Leif would have enjoyed it, wished we had his opinion of it, and I was also thinking about how his space ships corresponded to those we saw in the movie.

He's a part of so many conversations . . .

Leif is so much a part of us. Almost anywhere we go, we think of him. If we are at a restaurant, we comment on what he would have ordered (lobster, if it was on the menu!). If movies come out, we know what he would have been eagerly waiting to see and how he would have talked about them from every angle, acting, story, special effects. He would have been anxious to see the new Star Trek movie, Terminator: Salvation, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. He would have been vitally interested in what's transpiring with our American auto manufacturers, the political scene, the appointment of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. We would have had stimulating conversations on every one of them, and when we talk about them now, we include his ideas, "Leif would have said," or "Leif would have been so interested in that."

Yesterday we went over to Disney World and visited the Hollywood Studios park. Leif would have loved the Endor Space Shuttle simulator and the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular. That one he saw in 1990 when we took him to Disney World on our through Florida when we were moving to Puerto Rico, but it's been updated since then and the stadium covered. We remember being there in beastly heat. But even more than that, he would have loved the Disney Extreme Stunt Show "Lights, Motors, Action!™" That was quintessentially Leif . . . fast cars being driven to their limits, spinning around, burning rubber, jumping ramps, racing in and out of tight turns, crotch rocket motorcycles doing the same . . . with the drivers and riders shooting at each other. Fast cars, fast cycles and guns. As Peter A. said, the only thing missing was a gorgeous redhead. While Peter W. and I were watching the show, I said, "Leif not only would have loved this, he would have been asking how to apply for a job." Getting paid to drive like that and shoot a gun would have had enormous appeal to him, at least for awhile.

We see the world through a different filter now. We always would have thought about how Leif would have enjoyed something, or what he would have thought and contributed to the conversation, but now we know it's only our minds that will bring those things, that he won't be there, and as Peter A. said, "it is a tremendous loss." It is. That kind of loss changes you. You realize emotionally what you only knew intellectually before . . . how fragile life is, how easily you can lose someone you love, and how hard that is to bear. You miss not only the person and their company, but their intellectual and humorous contributions to your life, and your opportunity to contribute to theirs. You miss their affection and giving it to them. There isn't a situation in which they aren't considered just as much as when they were alive, but it's all tinged with sadness that they are not longer there. Something vital and important is missing.

That will never change, but despite that, remembering is good. I cannot be one of those people who shuts off the memories and doesn't talk about their lost loved one because of the pain. I would rather have the pain and have the memories.
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I love this photo of Leif because he looks so joyful, like he is really enjoying himself. I wish I had seen that in the last years of his life. This was taken at our old stone house in Manhattan, Kansas on July 29, 2004. We were all sitting around our dining room table having a great conversation and drinking Leif's favorite beverage, beer, out of his dad's German mugs. He was animated and full of fun. It was a great group for that. In addition to Peter W. and me, Peter A., Darlene and Marcus were there, and Leif's friend Michael. What I wouldn't give for another evening like that!