A Trip Down Memory Lane in Honor of Leif's Birthday

How can you celebrate the birthday of someone who is dead? And how can you not remember and mark the day? Today, Leif's first birthday since he died, I wanted to honor and remember him. Since he couldn't come to visit us, I wanted to go to him. Visiting him is a poor term. I know there are people who derive comfort from visiting their deceased loved ones at a cemetery, but for me, it isn't a comfort. It's a way of honoring a memory, of going to the only place where any of my son's physical remains on earth still exist. I know that Leif isn't there, but it's a symbol, a place that has ceremonial and emotional connections.

But to just go to the cemetery is too sad.

The first time we came to the Tampa Bay area, on one of our many trips to Florida looking for the place we wanted to move, we stayed in a hotel in Clearwater. It was our first glimpse of the Gulf and the beaches on that side of Florida, too. We came during KSU's Spring Break in March 2002. Leif was so happy to have a spring break in warm Florida and get out of the raw, cold March weather in Kansas. Undoubtedly, he would have had a better time if he had been able to go with a wife or girlfriend, or with friends his own age rather than with his parents, but he was happy to go and we were happy to take him, as we had always taken him on those trips.

He didn't have much money as a student, but he saved up enough so that he could rent a white Mustang convertible for a day. He spent the day driving all over the bay area, and as I've written before, particularly loved driving over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge. We drove over that today, too, on our way down the memory lane, and thought of him and how he loved going over it on his motorcycle.

That evening, in March 2002, he drove us to dinner at Guppy's on the Beach in Indian Rocks Beach, south of Clearwater. I remember being in the back seat of the convertible with the cool evening wind blowing my hair all over the place, and Leif sounding so happy.

I don't remember how we found out about Guppy's, but later that week when we met my friend Liz, she said that was one of her family's favorites and she was so pleased we had found it.

We had a great dinner that evening with Leif. We sat outside on the porch, just as we did today. The food and animated conversation were excellent. It was there that Leif introduced us to Newcastle beer. I had Guppy's terrific "Angels on Horseback," broiled oysters topped with Applewood smoked bacon. Leif liked those, too. I think he and Peter had tuna.

After dinner, we walked on Bellaire Beach at sundown. You can see photos of Leif in the Mustang and on Bellaire Beach in this post. I don't think we took any photos of us at Guppy's.

We had all three talked about going back to Guppy's ever since then, and somehow, nearly seven years have gone by and we never did. I don't know whether Leif ever got back there after he moved to the bay area in March 2005, but we didn't, because it was so far north of where we now live, about a 60 mile drive, too long just to go to dinner.

But today, I wanted to visit Leif's grave (in reality it's a niche, but do you say you are visiting a niche?) on his birthday, and it is only ten miles from Guppy's. I thought it would be good to drive north on Gulf Blvd. and remember what we saw in 2002, remember what Leif experienced, have lunch at Guppy's, before going to his grave.

It's amazing how much came back to us, even seven years later, landmarks, streets. I could imagine Leif driving there, in the white Mustang, maybe, if he went later, in his silver RX8. Our waiter took a photo of us. When we were there with Leif, we sat at a table directly behind where I'm standing. It was evening, and the place was full of people enjoying the cool evening air and delicious food.

After lunch, we took a quick look at the beach across the street, and a kind man from New York offered to take our picture. I am wearing the double-headed battleaxe necklace I brought Leif from Greece, the one I've written about before, in his honor. When we walked back across the street to our car in the Guppy's lot, I did a double take. Parked next to our car was a silver Mazda that, from the back end, looked just like Leif's RX8. It turned out to be a Mazda 6 sedan, but for that one moment, it seemed uncannily as though he had driven up and parked beside us.

We had a good time reminiscing about the good times, just wishing that life would have been good for Leif after that.

After lunch we went to the cemetery, where I sobbed my heart out for half an hour, pressed against his stone. No matter how I try, I still cannot fathom why he is not here. Most of the time each day, I function, but the tears come at most unexpected moments and when I look in the mirror, I can see that I have changed. There is a different and sadder look in my eyes. An older look.

I was thinking how people say you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, but when it comes to family, there is only one. Only one basket, and that's where the eggs belong, but no matter how hard you try to protect them, you really can't. When one breaks, your heart breaks with it.

It was a bittersweet day. Sweet memories, sad memories, a good time with Peter, a sad time with him, together on memory lane, together in the loss of our son, together, on his birthday.

Leif's Greek Battle Axe Necklace

I think it was in 1995 that Peter W. and I took a Greek Isles cruise. It was fascinating to visit the places we had read about in history books and seen in art history classes. Leif would have enjoyed it, as he was interested in history and the Ancient Greeks, but he had already left home and was engaged to and living with Nikko, so we didn't take him along.

We bought hardly any souvenirs, but I brought him this silver necklace. When I saw it, I just knew I had to get it for him. By this time, he had been participating in the Society for Creative Anachronism for several years and fought with battle axes.

It was a small thing, not a grand gift, but Leif really liked it. It seemed just the right symbol for him. He wore it often, and among his jumbled belongings, it was one thing, along with his class and wedding rings, I could always find. I've already posted photos of him wearing it. I only found two necklaces in his things. The other was a black leather circlet with a hematite "fang" on it. I gave that one to his nephew, Marcus, but I still have the battle axe. Since I gave it to him, I will keep it and wear it in his memory, remembering him as the warrior with the gentle heart.

He was 20 years old in 1995 when I gave it to him, and 33 when he died. His birthday is coming. That will be a hard day for me. On his Facebook and MySpace pages, he will have a birthday and be one year older, unless I remove the birth year from his profiles, but we will not have that celebration with him. It will be a sad day, and yet there will be happy memories among that sadness, because of the happiness we felt at his birth.

Leif's Antilles High School Class Ring - 1992

Leif had a fine eye for design and liked to have utilitarian items that were beautifully designed but he claimed that he "didn't see the point" in jewelry or other items that had no utilitarian purpose, even if they were beautiful. He rarely bought jewelry, except for the earrings he wore after our friend Jennifer Coffey pierced his ears for him, but there were a few notable exceptions.

He did want a class ring from Antilles High School in Puerto Rico, and we got him one when he was a junior in 1992. Although he had to move to Kansas before his senior year, he identified with his AHS class, and his graduation present from us was a trip back to Puerto Rico to be with his class there for their graduation.

Leif was not a neat person and his room or apartment were usually a big mess, except for his computer desk. The very few things that I could always find without any problem included his AHS class ring, and later, his wedding ring, watches, and a silver two-sided battle axe necklace I brought him from Greece. Although each of these could be considered jewelry (the watches, were utilitarian, at least), they had some emotional or sentimental meaning for him. More about the others later.

Beginning much earlier, Leif had a strong interest in ancient warriors and weaponry. One of the best school projects he ever did was a catalog of medieval armor he made in junior high school. When he picked the emblems for his class ring, note the medieval knight with the sword and the battle axe on the side. It went perfectly with the cupola from El Morro, one of the Spanish fortresses in San Juan, which we visited many times. Leif's initials L.A. are on the top of the ring and he chose a purple stone. Purple was always one of his favorite colors. I don't know why he chose to put L.A. on the ring instead of L.G., and I found it also interesting that he chose the L. because at that time he was still going by his nickname, Alex.

I don't remember when Leif stopped wearing his class ring, though I suspect it was when he went into the army, but even though he didn't wear it, he treasured it and kept it in a place where it could be seen, such as the mantle over the fireplace at the 710 N. 9th Street house in Manhattan, Kansas.

I wonder how many high school graduates could look at their class rings years later and see that there is such a consistency of interest that Leif's showed. From Puerto Rico, he went to Kansas and there he joined the Society for Creative Anachronism and had real swords and a battle axe and also the rattan variety that he could use in the SCA fights. I've already posted some photos of Leif fighting in his armor.

I now have Leif's class ring, and while it means something to me because it was his and represents him so well, I wonder, what am I to do with it? There are no children who could treasure a father's ring. Who would remember him with it when I am gone?