Leif being silly on his grandmother's birthday

He could be so funny, so silly, when he felt comfortable and let go. He could be impish, a rascal, but only when he felt comfortable with those he was with.

This photo was taken on July 18, 2002, in his paternal grandmother's nursing home room in Manhattan, Kansas. It was her last birthday. She was 82 and dying of gangrene, but we had a little family birthday party for her, and Leif wanted to bring some amusement and smiles to the occasion, so he took two of the birthday party hats and made horns out of them. We teased him about being devilish.

My mother took this photo, which I hadn't seen until I started going through a huge box of photos she'd had packed up for years. It's too bad his eyes are closed, too bad she didn't catch the cute dimpled smile. We'll just have to imagine it.

It's so hard to believe that less than six years later he was dead. 

Whimsical

Leif was funny. He was whimsical. He was silly. He was a cut-up. At least, he was all of those things when he wasn't morose, withdrawn or depressed. How well I remember the times when he was enjoying himself and having fun acting silly.

These days, I seem to alternate between sadness and missing him, and smiling over memories like this one.

He graduated from Kansas State University in May 2003, ten years after he graduated from high school. It took him that long because he spent a part of those years in the U.S. Army.

He came home from the army in 2001 a depressed and broken man, but by the time he graduated from KSU, he was so much healthier in mind and body. He was looking good, feeling good, felt he had a future. I think he was at his handsomest in that year of 2003, and my favorite photos of him are from that year.

It was also the year in which he met J. and was so very much in love, and I'm sure that also helped account for his happiness and glowing good looks that fall, though in this cute picture, he had not yet met her.

It was taken in the back yard of our old stone house. He was acting silly with the tassel on his graduation cap, blowing on it and letting it settle on and tickle his nose. I love the look on his face, looking at the tassel as he gently blows on it, the ends of it splayed around his nose, and that hint of a smile with the cute dimples just showing. How I WISH he could have continued to be that happy, whimsical, silly man. 

He loved goofing around

I was showing old photos to my sister, Lannay, and were were smiling over so many of Leif goofing around and acting silly, some of which I've already posted on this blog, but I keep finding more in the photos that haven't been scanned. He always had such a great sense of humor and liked to pose for silly pictures. Here's one I discovered among Peter W's photos.

It was taken in Hawaii, up in the pineapple fields on the island plateau near Wahiawa when Peter W's mother was visiting us and we took her there to see them. There's no date on the photo but I'm managed to figure out that it was the summer of 1984 because of her visit and the annual letter I wrote that mentioned it. So, Leif was nine years old.

That thing he has stuck on his head is his dad's camera case, the one he had for his 35mm Pentax SLR with the long telephoto lens on it. It's amazing to remember that Leif once was a "little" boy called Alex, and that I was taller than he was.

Leif's happiest Christmas - Manhattan, Kansas - December 20, 2003 - Age, almost 29

Well, I don't know whether it was the happiest Christmas in his entire life, but certainly the happiest one in the last five years of his life. It was when he was with J. and she and her daughter were with us, too. We were actually celebrating early, on December 20, 2003, because Peter W. and I were going out to Monterey, California to be with his mother, Ellen (Oma), and we had the whole extended Kansas family there in our old stone house. He was just glowing and enjoyed acting silly.

This is the way I'd like to remember him on Christmas, this and the way he was when he was a little boy and was ecstatic over some Christmas gift he really liked.

Although he is not here with us today, I'm enjoying looking at the photos of him on Christmases past.

Leif With His Hair in One Great Spike - Fort Buchanan, Puerto Rico - Age 16

Speaking of Leif's sense of humor and fun . . .
and a bit of silliness . . .

These photos were taken in March 1991 when we were living at Fort Buchanan, Puerto Rico. Leif was sixteen years old.

I no longer remember what he had in his hair that allowed him to make it stand up like this in a point, but it wasn't something he wore out anywhere. It was just a silly and whimsical thing he did for fun at home and then washed it out. He had fun posing for the photos.

I don't know why he was wearing the ring on the chain around his neck, and I find it rather surprising to see him wearing a cross, as he never professed to be a Christian.

Of course, the sunglasses are his favorite Oakleys.

He always had a sense of mischief and fun and he didn't really want to grow up, if growing up meant he had to behave in a staid and boring way, though he learned to act professional when he needed to and came across as a very calm, clear-minded person in a crisis. Yet, in one way he never really did grow up, and that was being able to control his spending.

I've gone along for several days without being down in the dumps or crying until yesterday. It was one of those unexpected triggers that brought tears welling up in my eyes. Peter W. was reading some of those cute sayings you see on everything from hand towels to magnets in boutique stores and we were getting a laugh out of them. Then he read that whenever a child is born, a grandmother is born, too. I don't know what about that got to me, but even typing it again brings a reaction. Maybe it's that I will never be "born" a grandmother again with Leif's children. Maybe it's just missing Leif. I'm okay. I'm not staying sad or depressed, but the emotions come welling up at unexpected times.

Silly Leif in a Kitchen Cupboard - Fort Sheridan, Illinois - September 1986 - Age 11

We moved from Honolulu, Hawaii to Fort Sheridan, Illinois in August 1986. Peter W. was working at Great Lakes Naval Training Station at MEPCOM (the Military Entrance Processing Command) as their legal advisor. We checked out all the area communities to find the best schools for the boys and decided living at Fort Sheridan, about a 20 minute drive south of Great Lakes, would be best as the guys could go to the excellent schools in Highland Park.

We lived in a townhouse and although it had 4 bedrooms and a basement, the rooms were small and we were pretty cramped. Now as cramped as Leif was in this cupboard, though! He climbed into it before we were all moved in and filled it up with food or pots and pans. He wouldn't have been able to get into it by the next year. At 11, he was tall for his age, but hadn't yet experienced the incredible growth spurt that shot him up to 6' 1" by the time he was 13.

Leif always had a whacky sense of humor and got a kick out of doing silly things. And I was a whacky mother who enjoyed taking photos of the boys antics. I treasure those photos.

Moods - Leif at 5 Years - Hawaii & Japan

When I was a child, my mother would try so hard to take "good" photos of us kids, and we were always acting silly. It made her so frustrated! When I was quite small, I could really pout and put on a crying spell and Mom once threatened to take a photo of my crybaby face and blow it up so I'd have to look at it that way myself but I don't think she ever did. At least, I don't have such a photo, though there is one of me pouting when I was about two years old.

I made up my mind that I would take photos of my kids doing any silly or ordinary thing, whether they had a nice smile or were posing or not. I'm so glad I did, because I have photos that really tell the stories of their lives. I just wish I had even more. Since I've been doing this blog, I realize the ones that are missing, that I wish I had taken and somehow didn't. There will never be enough. Every one of them is precious. Each one brings back memories.

These two photos were taken of Leif in 1980 when he was five years old. When we were in Hawaii on the way to Japan, Leif was acting silly and sticking out his tongue. Now that's a photo a lot of mothers never would have taken but I'm glad I have it. That was in July 1980. It was a good, and very long, trip from Germany to Japan, with stops in Kansas, California and Hawaii on the way.

The second photo, of Leif pouting, was taken at a park in Tokyo in October 1980. I no longer remember why he was upset, but he certainly had a few moments of unhappiness. Most likely, he either wanted to buy or do something I wouldn't allow. Luckily, Leif's moods didn't usually last long. I loved his expressiveness.

Leif Cutting Up Again - Hawaii, December 1984 - Age 9

Here's another example of Leif having fun cutting up, again with the sunglasses. This was when he was only 9 years old, long before the advent of Oakley sunglasses, at least for him. He started wearing those when he was in high school and could spend his own money on them. I wasn't about to pay that much for sunglasses, but Leif loved to have stylish things that made him look cool.

In Hawaii, "cool" consisted primarily of wearing his black leather Members Only jacket, even in sweltering heat.

This "costume" is actually a spandex swim cap over his face, one that we had from Germany, where even guys were required to wear them in the public pools, a hat and sunglasses. He got a kick out of doing things like making silly faces, putting things on or over his face (you'll see more about that in a Halloween post), and posing.

Leif never wanted to really grow up, and in some ways, he didn't. An adult who still has a sense of fun is great, though there are parts of adulthood we all really do need to survive, some of which Leif didn't develop. But the ability to cut up and have a good time is something we could all use more of.

I think the fact that he kept that is one reason he got a kick out of his nieces and nephew acting silly and he could be silly with them. In the past few years, I've seldom seen him as happy as when he was playing around with them.

Leif being silly

It' time to lighten things up a bit. Leif had a great sense of humor and he liked to act silly and make people laugh. This photo was taken at a family gathering in 1995 where he found a giant white plastic paper clip and decided to wear it on his nose. I'm glad I caught that with a camera.


Leif was always a good person to have at a family event because he was full of interesting discussion ideas, up on the latest technology, passionate about our country and Constitution, and well-versed in politics. I'm missing all that, and the funny ways he liked to make me laugh.