"Brilliant Thoughts About the Sexes"

Brilliant Thoughts on the Sexes
by Leif Garretson
June 29, 2001

"There are three parts to the male psyche, the first being the brain. The brain is hard to please (at least for some of us). It needs to find stimulation that is at least of an approximately equal level (so us smart guys got it tough). The brain is the balance between the others and has veto power over all decisions. However, that power is rarely used when it is being bullied by the much louder voices of the other two.

The brain's greatest enemy is boredom. If the brain is not entertained then it will begin to complain to the others. If the others are having too much fun themselves then those complaints will not mean much, but in time the others will likely lose enthusiasm and relent in search of a better mate for all.

Second is the Libido, or more simply the dick. The dick is simple. It is relatively easy to please. However it is very difficult to satisfy. It always wants more, and more, and more; the dick is never silent except when it has been recently pleased. Otherwise it is constantly pestering the brain to get it what it wants. The brain helps to guide the dick as best as it can and they do attempt to cooperate. However, often times the incessant pestering of the dick will wear the brain down and he will give in even if he is not really that interested.

This happens even more when drunk, as alcohol affects the brain the most. At this time, though, the heart can get in the way because it is often afraid, since it gets the brunt of disappointment, for it is the only one with the capacity to hope. But if it can be convinced then both will give in so that the dick will shut up.

Finally there is the heart, and it is normally the quietest but when it sees something it wants, really wants, then it has the loudest voice and the other two do not dare challenge it. It is more patient than the other two and can wait a long time for what it needs. However, it can either bounce around brightening the others’ day with it's excitement, or sulk around bumming the others out with it's longing. Because of its patience it often indulges the other two and allows them to have their fun while it waits for its ultimate goal.

To put a case in point, I am patient and will wait and hope for you since you are one of a very few women that have hit me in all three. But that does not mean that my heart will deprive the guys above and below of the cute joggers that live next door while I am waiting for you to dump whatshisname. If a girl is lucky to win over two she is doing well but if you get all three then he will be yours for as long as you continue to satisfy all three.

To do this you must first please his heart by making him feel loved and wanted. Please his mind by stimulating him and entertaining him as well as have your shit together so that his brain isn't forced to veto you because you are ruining his future. And finally, you have to make sure that his dick get satisfied at least often enough that he's unwilling to risk the dry spells of single life in order to pursue someone more willing to satisfy him.

So simplified: don't f--- up his practical life and keep him entertained and you will have his mind. Make sure he gets laid enough that he doesn't start looking for someone else to pick up your slack. And don't bore the dick either. Try new things :-)

And finally, for the heart: make him feel loved and make him feel needed. They are different. For example, a hug can be given or taken, offered or accepted. If you have a bad day and you come to him for a hug, that is you asking for love from him to fill you up. While he will feel needed and be glad to do it, remember that you should also offer a hug when you can to fill him back up.

Let him know that you don't just want affection when you need it. Then you will seem Needy and a drain and then he will not want to give you hugs because it feels like he is giving and giving and not getting it back. Then you will think that he does not want to touch you but it is not that; it is that you seem to him like an emotional leach.

Try giving love when you don't need it. I love to be touched and I love hugs and kisses, but I want to be on the receiving end sometimes, too. If, for example, she had come up behind me while I was sitting here typing and had put her arms around me and given me a kiss just cuz she wanted to show me she loved me, then I would get a warm fuzzy and feel much better. I would be receiving love and would then be a lot more receptive the next time she needed some loving.

Also, men don't tend to do the asking when they need emotional support. It is a macho thing so, take initiative cuz we need it just as much as you do. We are just supposed to act like we don't.

You may have heard the whole men going into their cave when they are mad or sad thing. Well, it is true, but it is hard to tell the difference between a man that needs to be alone and a man that needs to be comforted. So the best advice is to try to be affectionate, even ask if you should leave him alone and if he turns you away, do not be insulted or hurt. He just needs to be alone.

But if he does not turn you away you will win big points. A man’s default emotion when he is upset is anger. That is what you will see, and don't think that that means he is unapproachable (unless you are the reason he is angry; then a completely different rule book comes out). Try to be nice to him and if the problem is something else and he is not too pissed to respond, he will likely soften and feel much better.

And if you really wanna be good and he really is in a foul or surly mood, try a massage. If he turns you down on that one, leave him alone for about an hour cuz he must be really really pissed about something. Or for extra browny points, sex is a real winner. The man who says no is likely struggling to suppress homicidal urges.

Anyway, we can discuss this more later if you like. I will give you the next dissertation in a different email."

The Silent Sisterhood Grows

Not long ago I wrote about what I called the Silent Sisterhood of women who have experienced the death of one of their children. That sisterhood circles many heartaches brought by death. Those of us who have dealt with and grieved over the suicide of a family member have yet another sisterhood, yet another thing we keep silent about until we find another of our own.

Today I met two more women who are suicide survivors, which seems like an odd term to me. It sounds as though the person tried to commit suicide and survived, rather than a person who is left surviving after the suicide death of a family member.

Meeting these women brought home to me yet again that we can never know how many of the people around us every day have suffered some terrible emotional blow. Most of them cope, "soldier on," and don't show us their private grief.

The women I met today are dealing with not only the aftermath of suicide in their families, but the continuing depression of other family members and the family ignorance about it, fear of "being crazy" or having a "mental illness" that prevents them from recognizing or learning about depression. It's sad that in our day there are still people who hide in shame, whose loved ones may make matters worse by misunderstanding both depression and suicide, who are ashamed to talk about it.

There are so many awful things that can happen to us. I have been most fortunate in my life in many ways, yet I have experienced the tragedy of the suicides of both my father and my son. Both hid their depression well. Both men probably thought that, like the carefully cultivated public persona they presented, they could (and should) handle it themselves. Isn't that what "real" men do?

But they did not handle it, in the end, just as those I heard about today are not handling depression well, or understanding the suicide of their family members. In the end, their pride or their lack of recognition of depression kept them from getting medical help. And we are left to live our lives without them now, missing them, wishing we could have done something to help . . . when we didn't even really know help was needed at the time. Feeling somehow guilty that we didn't know, even though they hid their need.

Speak out. Don't hide. Don't hide either your need for help, or lie about how a loved one died. If we don't begin to acknowledge the truth, if we don't start to educate, if we don't let the world around us know how many suicides there really are, how destructive depression is, many more will die without help, thinking they have to keep their misery secret.

I am thankful for every photo I see with a real, happy smile on Leif's face, not a false smile he obligingly "put on" for a camera. I am thankful there were happy moments and happy times.

But I will always lament the deep, deep sadness we never fully knew or understood.