Thursday, July 15, 2010

Coming Home -- and not coming home

Travel and work are the best antidotes to grief and depression, even if they don't always work. Initially after Leif died, even traveling didn't take me far from sorrow and tears, but as the two years passed, I found that being gone from home allowed me to focus on my trip and destination, the people I was seeing, the sights, even though we always talked about Leif. It was as though I didn't expect to see him in those places, so his absence was not painful.

Coming home, though, has continued to be sad. Although I love my home and look forward to returning to it, once I get here I am struck again with Leif's absence, with his things in my house, and the knowledge he will not be coming here ever again. I remember that the guest room was once his room, that my office was once his living room, before I moved down here from Kansas. So many memories. So many years of expectations, of seeing him, loving him.

Peter is so good to me, tries to hard to cheer me up, reminds me of all the good things in my life. He's so loving and sweet, and he's so right. I have so much to be happy about, so many reasons to enjoy life.

But none of them bring Leif back or take into account how much I miss him.

This photo of Leif was taken in Norway in the summer of 1977 when he was two-and-a-half years old.

1 comment:

  1. My son (Joe) was supposed to be born in Norway (in '73). My brother had a girlfriend from Oslo and I got to go stay with her but I got homesick and came home after a month or so. Your pictures of Leif look so much like pictures of Joe when he was little...the hair styles and clothes and etc. It makes me miss Joe being little! I believe in Heaven and I think you will get to be with Leif there one day. Life is so short for all of us here...there's got to be more... Tish