I didn't post anything yesterday. I couldn't decide how to handle it. I was in the middle of a series of winter snow pictures, but it was a sad day yesterday and I didn't feel like just posting more of them. I also wasn't ready to write about feelings, partly because I didn't know what I really wanted to say, partly because I hesitate to talk about grief again after three weeks, and partly because Peter W. thinks I'm fragile and can't handle it, though I think what I feel is normal and I'm doing well, at least as well as can be expected.
We had just dropped off our Peter Anthony's family at the airport and were alone again for the first time since December 21st. It was so good to have them here. Being busy with a full house and three grandchildren kept us so occupied there was no time to be feel sadness for long. I had some teary times, but I managed to keep them to myself. The kids were wonderful, and they made Christmas a happy time, certainly far, far happier than it would have been if it were just us here remembering the many Christmases when our family was complete.
But once they left, and the house was quiet, just the two of us, the pent up emotions that I had kept at bay came back and I felt very sad that Leif had not been with us, and would not be with us for the holidays ever again, sad that he won't be here to ring in the New Year, sad that there will be no new years for him.
I miss him so! Everywhere I look are reminders of him, things that were his, things he helped us with, things he gave us, photos. I look at them and know there were happy times in his life, at least when he was younger. Where did it all go so wrong? I'm glad I had him 33 years. It was not enough.
Tonight I will go to a New Years Eve party. I will dance, and I will celebrate. I will have a good time, but underneath it, I will be sad and fighting tears. Life will be like that for a long, long time.
Now I close the year of 2008, the saddest year of my life, the last year Leif was alive, and I will try to welcome in the New Year, the first one since 1975 in which Leif will not live, and try to find my way.