Eighteen Years Ago - Missing Him Still

On April 10, 2008, we found Leif's lifeless body in his apartment. He died by his own hand on April 9, with a new gun he had purchased April 8th. His adult life was a rollercoaster full of, as he put it, more pain than pleasure, more heartache than joy. Yet, this was a boy who knew joy, and he was a man who thought deeply, cared about others, needed love, wanted to serve his country, and did, until he was medically retired due to severe asthma he contracted while serving. 

I still look at those photos of him laughing and happy, or contemplative and philosophical, and wonder how it could all have gone so wrong.

I not only think about him this week, this day, particularly because it is the unhappy anniversary of his death, but because I wish I could talk with him about the world today. I know he would be horrified at our political situation, at the attack on Iran, and the needless death on all sides. Leif was passionate about his oath to defend the Constitution of the United States, and I well remember his anger over the second Gulf War and the war in Afghanistan, He served with the UN peacekeeping mission in Bosnia in 1999 and saw all the destruction that war had caused. I am glad he is not in the army now, when I know his convictions would make it impossible for him to stay and carry out orders and missions he would have believed were both unconstitutional and wrong. 

There are so many things I miss about Leif, still, after 18 years. His laugh, his bear hugs, his incisive mind, his sense of humor. I miss the sheer size of him, the way his presence filled a room. I am thankful for all the photos and memories. Even after those 18 years, it is still hard to believe he is never going to drive up our driveway, stereo booming. 

When I started this blog, exactly 18 years ago, I had no idea I would still write a post occasionally, but now I think, despite the fact that I've already posted so many of the photos and memories, I can't imagine not posting something on anniversary days like his birthday and day of death. I still tell him I want him to come back. I know he can't, but I will always wish it.