Where's the Bravado?

I haven't posted anything here since August 23rd, two weeks ago, though I've thought about it every day. I think back to the first two years after Leif's death and how posting on his blog was one of the most important priorities of my day, how I thought I would end it on the second anniversary of his death, but couldn't, and how I've posted less frequently since then, how other crises and needs in my life have taken over the time I used to devote here. I know that's normal, but how I would want Leif to know that I think of him just as often. Peter W. and I talk about him every day. We still miss him terribly, so terribly.

When I'm looking through those old photo albums from the days before digital photos, I still see so many photos of Leif that haven't been scanned, haven't been shared, and each one has memories attached to it, some of them things we probably wouldn't think of without a photo to remind us.

This photo was taken in Kanchanaburi, Thailand, in a boat on the lake that was formed when a Thai family friend was head of a project to put a dam on the river. We were in Thailand in December 1981. Leif was one month shy of his seventh birthday. Ben took us to see several sights in that area, the dam, the lake, the Bridge on the River Kwai, and the Erawan Waterfall to name some of them. We stayed in a government resort on the lake shore which was guarded by officers with impressive-looking guns. The boys were interested in those, but didn't dare to approach the guards and ask about them.

The were also fascinated by the dam and how it worked, and loved the boat trip on the lake. You can see Leif's hair blowing in the wind. He was wearing a life jacket, of course. What surprises me about this particular photo is that he looks a little scared, a little dubious, and to use a term that Peter W. now often uses to describe some of Leif's childhood photos, vulnerable. Yes, he does look vulnerable. Peter W. said yesterday that he thinks because Leif was always so big and physically powerful for his age, and put on such a good front, that we didn't really see how sensitive and vulnerable he was. I agree. I knew that he felt things deeply, had strong emotions, and that he could get hurt feelings, but he concealed so much that I don't think we were really aware of the depth of his emotions except during the more extreme outbursts of frustration or anger. And, I think he, like many men, often burst out with those rather than show hurt or cry as a child.

When we see these photos, Peter W. says Leif looks so huggable. He was, a beautiful, beautiful, huggable child, though he wasn't a cuddly one with most people. He was too active and squirmy for that.

I thought that by the time we were nearly three-and-a-half years past his death, the hole in our lives might feel less deep, but it doesn't.

Leif and Peter A. at at Temple in Thailand - December 1981 - Age 6

I don't remember the name of the temple where these photos were taken, but it was on the trip to Chiang Mai that we took with Ben during our trip to Thailand in December 1981. We saw so many beautiful and fascinating things. The boys enjoyed the trip as much as we did. So much variety, from the beach at Pattaya to the elephants near Chiang Mai, from the lake and dam near the Burmese border to the bridge on the River Kwai, from staying with my Thai sister, Lek, and her family to the Ancient City, from Bangkok and riding in a tuk-tuk to seeing a beauty contest in Chiang Mai. It was a wonderful trip.

Our family was so fortunate to be able to live and travel in so many interesting places. I wonder how it felt to Leif as an adult to be so circumscribed in his ability to travel, due to his financial circumstances (largely of his own making), and in many years, the lack of someone to travel with. So many things are less attractive and interesting when you have no one to share them with. He traveled so much with us as a child and some as an adult. Some people have no real interest in travel but it's hard for me to believe that Leif wouldn't have wanted to do it after all he experienced as a child, despite the fact that he told me that he'd rather spend money on things that would last like computers, other tech gadgets, a car and motorcycle and guns.
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The photos: Leif and Peter A. in Thailand at a temple site, December 1981. Leif was a month shy of his seventh birthday.

Leif in a Life Jacket - Thailand - December 1981 - Age 6

When Leif was a month shy of his seventh birthday, we were in Thailand and traveling with our friend Ben, who took us to one of the lakes created by one of the dams he built as a hydroelectric engineer. The boys were fascinated with the dam and loved going for a ride on the lake. These photos are of Leif enjoying the ride. He always loved vehicles of all kinds and speed was what he craved. I love the photo of him with his hair flying in the wind. He looks so small and vulnerable, hard for me to realize it, since he always seems so big, strong and tough for his age. How different I see things now. This was in December 1981.
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I don't think the blog is going to make it to 10,000 visits by the second anniversary of Leif's death. There would have to be a little over 22 visits per day between now and April 10th for that to happen.

Leif in Thailand - December 1981 - Almost 7 years old

In December 1981, our family made a trip to Thailand. We were living in Japan, and this was a dream-come-true trip for me to see my Thai "sister," Lek, our family friend Ben, and their country. Leif was 6, nearly 7 years old, and Peter Anthony was just shy of his 13th birthday.

We stayed with Lek and her family in Bangkok, and went to see many wonderful sights. Ben took us to see one of the dams he built on the Mekong River system, the real Bridge on the River Kwai, and to Chiang Mai. We saw temples, countryside, people, flowers, waterfalls, elephants, interesting food, and culture.

Perhaps to our sons, who were growing up traveling all over the world (Leif had already lived in two states and two foreign countries by the time he was six years old, and had traveled in many more), a trip to Thailand did not seem so incredible, but for me, having grown up on the plains of Kansas and never having been to another country, other than just over the border into Canada, until I was 22 years old, it was magical.

Although we took many photos in Thailand, most are not of Leif, though I do have others, for instance one of him petting a kitten at a Buddhist monastery. These two will represent that long-ago trip.

The first photo is of Peter Anthony and Leif at the place we went to see the elephants working near Chiang Mai. This was fascinating, not only to see how the elephants could handle giant teak logs, but how they bathed in the river, and would come up and beg for and eat bananas out of our hands. There was a baby elephant that did this. It was a little shorter than Peter Anthony's height, and we were surprised to see that it had long hairs on its skin, not covered with "fur," but with scraggly long hairs.

The second photo is somewhere on the trip to the western part of Thailand where we saw poinsettias growing wild; huge, tall bushes of them. This was so different than the dense, small, potted plants we were used to seeing at Christmas time in the USA.

Leif enjoyed the trip. He was a good traveler, easygoing, uncomplaining, and finding things to interest him just about anywhere. He also had a good time playing with Lek's children.