Six Years Ago Today

Six years ago today, our beloved son Leif died. On this day, April 9th, we did not yet know he had taken his life. We were trying to get in touch with him, trying not to worry that we were getting no response, trying not to think the worst. We were more worried than usual (after all, he didn't always answer his phone or text messages) because his supervisor had called us as the emergency contacts because Leif hadn't shown up for work.

We should have gone right then to find him, though it wouldn't have helped him any. We would have just known a day sooner, just had one less day of hoping he was all right, and one less day of trying to find out without embarrassing him by showing up.

We will never know exactly what time he died, but probably sometime between 2:30 a.m. and 9:00 a.m. the morning of April 9, 2008. We can place it at that point because his friend Michael was with him until about 2:30 a.m. He was emailing several of us earlier that evening. And, he didn't show up for work the next morning. We'll never know whether he never went to bed, or did so briefly and got up for work and decided to end it all instead.

The days leading up the the anniversary of his death are always hard for me. Remembering his death, finding his body, those are hard memories.

The years seem to fly by, six already, but it doesn't seem like six years since we heard his voice, his laugh, talked with him. He's still such a part of our lives.

I think few people remember the date. I don't think that's unusual. How many people's death dates do you remember? I remember three very clearly, and probably because they were all people close to me, and I was either with them when they died, or found them, as we did Leif. So, I don't expect people to say anything to us about this sad anniversary. Even if they remember, people probably worry about saying anything, making us feel sad . . . because the tears do come. But I would far rather have them remember that he lived, and died, than not remember or mention him at all.

I was touched deeply again this year, when my sister Lannay and her husband Doug again sent us a  beautiful bouquet of flowers, a card, and an ecard. Lannay always remembers. It means a lot that she remembers the day, that she remembers Leif, that she loves him.

Today's date is not on Leif's death certificate. It says "April 10 found." There's not even a statement of when he might have died. We pieced together as much as we will ever know.

The flower are beautiful. I appreciate them so much.

I will never stop wanting him back.

A Sad Month - Leif's Ashes Urn

It's been a month since Leif died, though his death certificate says Thursday, April 10, 2008 (found) and doesn't give the actual date of death. It's been a very sad month. We have been grateful for the love and support of family and friends, and today the last family visitors departed, Leif's brother and his family. Now we must try to make some sense out of life again, carry on taking care of Leif's affairs, and take care of each other.

This is probably the last photo I will post of Leif's memorial services until we see the engraved plaque on his niche at the cemetery, and that won't be ready for another month. I am going to try to focus on his life now, not his death.

Leif's father decorated this wooden box with Leif's military insignia. It seems odd to me that even when the container for the "cremains" as they call them now, though they are still ashes to me, is a box, they call it an "urn." It's hard to believe that a man as large as Leif was can be reduced to such a small amount of matter.

We will always love Leif. He cannot know what grief he has left behind.