Graduations

This week, our granddaughter, Madeleine, Leif's niece, will graduate from high school. I was thinking today about all the graduations that have taken place in our family, beginning with my parents, and how much hope, pride, gratitude and expectation are part of all that surrounds the event.

When Leif graduated from Manhattan High School in 1993, he was already taking classes at Kansas State University. He was the "cool dude," the one with the RX-7 (used) sports car, the one with a cell phone (very unusual at that time, and he paid the bills himself), the one with the long leather coat and the long luxurious hair that the guys hated and the girls loved.

High school was not an easy time for Leif. He had many ups and downs, as so many teens do. He was shy, but had to adjust to three different high schools. He fell in love, deeply, but it was not reciprocated. He had parts in two musicals and found he could sing and make the girls scream, but he couldn't get and keep the one(s) he wanted. He had his first job and earned his first paychecks, but squandered the money. He managed to get through school with minimal effort but not know what to do with his life.

But that day in 1993 when he graduated from high school, he was happy and we were proud. I think he thought life was going to get better, and be easier, and he would shine. I wish that had happened for him.

What Does He Reveal?

The "Live-In Girlfriend Job Description" I posted yesterday reveals as much about Leif and the relationship he was hoping for as it does about the situation he found himself in. The fact that he referred to a "promotion" to wife shows that he was hoping and thinking that things would work out and go in that direction.

Leif was attracted to women that he felt needed some kind of male protection, someone who aroused his protective instincts, but someone who also was physically attractive and alluring. It was a kind of classic "damsel in distress" that gave him purpose. However, once he had "captured" this damsel, he invariably felt he needed to change or improve her, whether it was a simple matter of dyeing her hair red or a more thorough makeover including teaching her how to dress and behave like a lady, for Leif DID want a woman who behaved like an elegant (but sexy) lady in public. He wanted to be the knight with the beautiful lady that everyone else would look at and envy him.

However, though Leif wanted to change his woman, much like Professor Higgins in "My Fair Lady," he also didn't want to change himself and resisted all efforts to make him change. This created plenty of friction, as his ladies didn't see that as fair and didn't like some of his faults, particularly his intemperate spending.

D really did need Leif's protection and voice of change. She had had such a difficult life that she had never had the opportunity to live the kind of life Leif grew up with or could offer her. I think part of his attraction for her was that he felt he could teach her a different way of life and new ways of interacting with the world, and probably that was one of his attractions for her as well. The "job description" refers to going to school and bettering oneself, and helping each other to curb destructive vices. Leif tried hard to get D to go back to school and get a degree so that she could find better jobs, but during their time together, she wasn't ready to try it.

He didn't go into detail about the destructive vices, but one he must have been referring to was over consumption of alcohol, something which wasted a great deal of money, caused him to put on weight, and caused D to lose control of her actions at times. They both needed to stop drinking, but they couldn't seem to do it. Another was smoking, which he does refer to. I don't know whether Leif ever really clearly realized how destructive drinking was for him or not. I do know that once or twice he admitted to me that he needed to cut down and even toyed with the idea of joining AA if he could convince D to do it, too. I don't know whether Leif was an alcoholic or not but I do know that he drank far more than he should ever have.

The "job description" was one of Leif's many attempts to refine the gold he saw in D. There was much that he found endearing and appealing, but they both had many complaints about each other as well. Unforunately, although they both cared about each other, it was not a good match and they were in for a rollercoaster ride with many swift turns and ups and downs before the relationship finally ended.

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This photo of a silly Leif up in an apple tree was taken in the yard of our house in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany, in June 1979. Leif was four-and-a-half years old.

A Troubled New Love Relationship Begins

When his mostly phone and email romance with LA trailed off in October 2005, Leif began dating again and meeting the dates through match.com and eharmony.com. He told me that some guys asked why he was willing to shell out the membership fees and he said that it would cost more than that to hit the bars and other places trying to find companionship, and that he had found them to be terrible places to meet people.

On January 25, 2006, he got a "wink" from someone on match.com that piqued his interest. He had been an ardent fan of Douglas Adam's "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" since he was in junior high, and he met few women who had similar reading, or television, interest. Thus he was impressed when D emailed him "42," the classic answer to "life, the universe and everything." He was instantly interested in meeting her. I believe they first met on his 31st birthday, January 28, 2006. She was about to move out of Tampa with some friends and he didn't want her to go. He first began bringing her to our house, where I met her in early February. We weren't willing to have a friend of his (any friend) move in, though, I don't know whether it was Leif's idea or D's or both, but they decided to get an apartment in Tampa together.

Leif knew he was going to have to move out of the three rooms he occupied in our house before I completed the move from Kansas in September, so he saw this as an opportunity to move out and live with someone captivating who could help with the rent, and he hoped it would "go somewhere," in his terms.

D was very different from other women Leif was involved with, at least the ones I'd met. She was street smart and had had a very tough childhood. She was funny and cute, mercurial, and talked so fast it could make your head swim. I liked her, but sometimes she was so hyper she made me nervous. I remember standing with both of them in our kitchen when they announced that they were moving in together in Tampa and saying, "It's too soon. You don't know each other well enough yet. You've both had some very sad and tough times and neither of you can emotionally afford another romantic disaster." I told D that I didn't have anything against her. I didn't know her well enough to have any negative feelings about her, but I was worried they were making a big mistake to move in with each other after only knowing each other for three weeks or less. They both pooh-poohed my concerns. I think Leif thought that he would be able to enjoy her companionship and what he then felt was an endearing flightiness and have someone to share expenses. I don't think he ever felt he was going to get in too deep. Although he was captivated when he moved out of here, he wasn't yet in love.

They found an apartment in Tampa and we asked them whether it was a good neighborhood. Leif told us it was. Unfortunately, it wasn't. It was in that apartment that they were robbed a mere five months later in July 2006. It was a small two-bedroom, ground floor apartment in an older complex. Since I was still going back and forth to Kansas in those days, I didn't see much of Leif except once or twice each time I was back in Florida, and only heard from him occasionally.

D was a part time model and she modeled at the Daytona Bike Week. Leif took her there in March for modeling jobs. Things did not go smoothly and the trip cost him money and time he didn't really have to spare and he was falling into debt again, though he didn't admit that to us at all. D had trouble holding down a job and with Leif's spending habits and the added expenses of an apartment, utilities and a second person, he was not able to keep up with the financial situation. He did admit to us that money was tight, but not that he was building up credit card debt fast.

There were other issues that cropped up between them that spring, and in an attempt to deal with them in a light-hearted manner, he wrote a "job description" of a live-in girlfriend. Leif was not, in general, a demanding man, but he did have standards and he did have expectations. Though he chose to handle this in a somewhat joking manner, you can read between the lines about why he felt he should write it at all. Things were rocky, but he was still hoping they would work out.

From: Leif Garretson
Subject: Job Posting
Date: Wednesday, April 5, 2006, 8:52 PM

The following document shouldn't be taken too seriously or literally, and considered with a sense of humor, for it is an analogy or metaphor. It is not intended to suggest that a Girlfriend is an "employee." So read it, learn from it, and reference it if you need to.

Position: "Live In Girlfriend"

Employer: Leif

The following is a listing for the position of Live-in Girlfriend. This is a semi-permanent to permanent position with potential for advancement for a qualified and dedicated individual offering significant benefits proportional to the applicant's qualifications and performance.

QUALIFICATIONS:
Applicants must be female and either bi or heterosexual. They should be between 21 and 31 years of age and seeking permanent satisfying employment. Motivation and high sex drive are a must. As they will be working for a very sexual and visually oriented employer it is necessary to maintain physical fitness and an overall attractive and stimulating appearance. The appearance and behavior reflect on the employer and a successful applicant must be willing to put her best foot forward in representing herself and her employer. As part of the specifics of the appearance required, any applicant will be expected to maintain a slender build, typically weighing 100-130 pounds, unless unusually tall or short. Applicant must, with reasonable exceptions, maintain a well-kempt, feminine appearance that is attractive to her employer. The quality of that appearance and the consistency with which it is maintained will be directly proportional to benefits and compensation both, deliberate and unconscious.

Applicant must accept that she is in a mature environment free of unnecessary drama or conflict and excessive outbursts or immature, overly emotional behavior; particularly, ones which may disturb neighbors or embarrass the employer will not be tolerated. No allowance or exception will be made to this rule for use of alcohol, as immature behavior is not excused due to inebriation.

A successful applicant must be driven to better herself and assist her employer in doing the same. She must cooperate in joint efforts to maintain physical fitness and/or curb destructive vices.

The person that will succeed at this job is one that will take pride in her position and who will seek to make her employer proud of her. She should understand that her actions do not exist in a vacuum, but rather that everything she does, private or public, to include personal appearance, demeanor, and behavior, reflect on her employer. Only a person that is able to portray themselves in a positive and flattering light that will reflect well on her employer amongst others, so that she is a credit to him, will have opportunity for promotion or advancement.

She will have to leave past dramas or patterns of dealing with difficulty behind and embrace a more mature, enlightened way of dealing with things.

She should seek to better herself through the pursuit of education and employment and make goals for each.

Ultimately, to advance from this position to a more permanent one, such as "Wife,” she must be willing to consider breast augmentation to an impressive but not ridiculous bustline.

DUTIES:

Applicant will be expected to maintain a generally attractive, feminine, appearance. Clothes, hair, make-up, physical fitness and behavior are aspects of this. Slovenly, lazy, or unkempt appearance are not acceptable save for sick or morning after-days. Barring such exceptions, or obvious work-related attire, will be expected to look nice, with hair and make up done and decent clothes. Applicant must take pride in her appearance as Leif's Lady, as she is a representative of her employer.

Applicant will be expected to maintain reasonable employment and contribute to household expenses as well as her own. Leif may, at his sole discretion, chose to supplement this income to provide clothes, lingerie, make up, etc., to make the above task easier, or out of simple generosity. Any activities suggested by the employer he will expect to pay for, such as dinner out, etc. However, the applicant should be pulling her own weight and not be excessively asking for help with expenses that are not shared. Contraception is considered a shared expense. However, things like cigarettes, or other expenses which are not necessary for the fulfilling of any expected tasks, are not Leif's responsibility and should be budgeted for or eliminated by the applicant.

Any individual that accepts the position must expect to be sexually available as well as desirable.

A live-in girlfriend will be expected to cook, clean, and do laundry, though will not be solely responsible for those actions. Leif will participate in all to the degree necessary or appropriate and no further explanation of these tasks will be given unless it becomes disproportionate to the point it is a problem.

A successful applicant will also share as many non-sexual activities as possible, such as movies, TV, and games whenever possible and should keep in mind that if the above requirements for attractiveness and sexual desirability are met, she should not have to compete with things like PlanetSide. Historically, it is evident that when a girlfriend is thin and hot and sexy, PlanetSide does not see much of "Graeloch."

PHILOSOPHY:

Below is some clarification, explanation or justification for the requirements above, to explain why they are so important.

Weight: I have discussed some of this, but partly it is that opposites attract. I look for in a woman what I see lacking in myself. I am attracted to very thin, slight, feminine women. I am a conqueror and I want someone that looks ripe for conquering, not someone that looks like a worthy adversary. Also, because after the conquering is done, I am a protector. Small, fragile women make me feel protective and powerful. Visually, a light, cat-like build turns me on. Call it shallow if you like; I know what I like. I may not give you shit if you are not as thin as I like, but my desire will not be there.

Appearance and behavior: Again, what you look like, say and do is a reflection on me. You are not just D, you are Leif's Girlfriend. Be one that I would be proud of. Don't ever be one that I would be ashamed of because of how you look or behave. Again, think of what you think My Lady should be like. If you were to write a story about me in this or any other time, and you had to describe my Lady, the woman that you would expect to see at the side of a man like me, what would she be like? How would she look and how would she act?

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The two photos of Leif with the blue hair were taken on his last day of seventh grade in June 1988 when they were having some kind of a goofy dress-up day. He was a student at Northwood Junior High School in Highland Park, Illinois. They may seem an odd choice to put with this post, but since it starts out mentioning Douglas Adams and "42," I chose them because that was the period when he read those books and practically memorized them. He could recite whole passages. They made a profound effect on his life and he talked about them all the years he lived after this.

Falling in Love at Seventeen

When we lived in Puerto Rico, Leif was in his sophomore and junior years of high school. We arrived there in August 1990 when he was fifteen years old and he left in July 1992 when he was seventeen. Initially he had some problems, being harassed as the new "gringo" but he got through that and had a great group of friends. It was the first time he had blossomed out and had a lot of friends, both boys and girls, and even had them over for parties. He found several girls very attractive but his interest wasn't reciprocated, or, if it was, the girl wasn't yet allowed to date. There were a couple of girls who had quite a case on Leif, and he had fun with them, but wasn't infatuated.

I don't know the date any more, or even whether it was during our first or second year in Puerto Rico, though I think it was the second one, that he met K. at a party we went to. It was given by one of the men who worked with Peter W. in the JAC Office, and Leif wasn't keen on going because he felt he wouldn't know anyone there. However, he decided to go and it became a fateful and pivotal event in his life.

K. was a very beautiful and intelligent young woman and Leif fell for her. It wasn't "puppy love." (After all, I can hardly dismiss falling in love at seventeen. I did, and I'm still married to Peter W., whom I married as soon as I turned eighteen.) Leif never stopped loving her, though after several years he did manage to stop yearning for her and look for others. They had a few dates but like so many of Leif's loves, his feelings were not reciprocated. It's a sad fact and I've always wondered about it, that it seemed that Leif often fell for women who didn't love him back, and with those that did, the relationship didn't last.

Leif usually had little interest in writing anything, let alone long messages or letters, except when it came to expressing his feelings to women or getting to know them. Then he wrote copious letters or email messages. When we lived in Puerto Rico, email wasn't yet something most people used. He wrote his school papers on our old Atari 1040ST computer, which had no hard drive, so he had his own 3.5 inch floppy disks for his files. When I sold that computer prior to moving to Florida, I saved all of the text files any of us had created in case they might be wanted or useful someday. After Leif died, I looked at his files to see whether there was something I could post on the blog, and in the past, I have posted some of the papers or opinion pieces he wrote.

One very personal letter I found was his declaration of love to K. I don't know whether he sent it, or what the reaction or reply was. I do know that the relationship did not develop further, and that even when we moved back to Kansas, he tried to find out where she was going to college in the hopes he might be able to go there, too, and see her. That didn't happen.

One of the things I found interesting about this letter is that he talks about having been in love before, but I never knew about him being in love with anyone else when he was younger, or even having a girlfriend or any dates. If he was "in love" before he was sixteen or seventeen, it must have been a crush on someone he kept to himself. I wonder who it was.

He ends this letter with permission for K. to share the letter with her family and friends but not to make it public for all the world to see, as these are his innermost thoughts. That gave me pause about publishing it here, but he is no longer alive and it is such an integral part of the man he became, such an important part of his story, that I am going to print it. It allows a lot of insight into the depth of feelings he had for the women he loved, how important it was for him to have the connection, and how terrible the loss of it made him feel.

Dear K,

This letter may come as a surprise to you but it has been all too long in waiting for me. I am writing this letter not to ask you for anything but only to inform you of the feelings that I have keep secret for far too long. I think I shall never forget the night I met you at Mr. C's house. I had gone to that party reluctantly, thinking that it would be boring and uneventful. In retrospect I realize that my decision to go anyway was either one of the best or worst decisions I have ever made. Meeting you changed my life significantly. I had been introduced to a woman, to which I was unaccustomed. Not a superficial, gossiping little girl like most of my fellow students but a woman, secure and confident but yet vulnerable and attractive, impressive but not intimidating, assertive but not aggressive, demure but not submissive, an almost perfect balance of Beauty, intelligence, and personality. I had always known women who were: beautiful, smart, entertaining, fun to be with, sweet, mature, but never had I encountered one that possessed all of these qualities. Until that night.

They say ignorance is bliss and they are quite right. I was happy, content to flirt with the attractive but insubstantial girls of Antilles, having fun and a few laughs but no relationships. Naturally I was happy. After all I didn't know what I was missing. Forced to live a lifestyle that uproots you every three years or so, I had trained myself rather well not to allow myself to get attached to any particular place or person. But I have arrived at a point in my life that I need to attach myself to somebody. I have been alone for so long now that I'm not sure I know what it is like to be in love anymore. And so I was unprepared, unprepared to fall in love again. The more time I spend with you the more I realize how unusual and special you are. Unfortunately I also became more clumsy in my dealings with you. I have always been comfortable talking to members of the opposite sex and have often laughed at others inability to express themselves in the presence of a woman. But now I understand all too well the feeling of wanting something so badly that you are afraid to do anything that might risk it.

If you think back to when we had just met and I barely knew you, you will remember that I was much more aggressive and sure of myself. I was playfully affectionate and concerned only by what felt right at the moment. Later, as my feelings transformed from a casual attraction to serious romantic interest I began to become cautious, too cautious. I was afraid to touch you, to tell you how I felt, afraid of anything that would be interpreted wrong, that would make me seem to be pushing you. So afraid that I did nothing, just waited and hoped that it things would just work out somehow. But I also knew that there was no hope of that.

In addition, adding to my fears were the mistakes that I had made in the first few weeks of knowing you. The time I criticized your driving and the time I dumped you off my shoulders at the beach. You may have long since forgiven me for these things, which most would consider trivial, but I have never forgiven myself. They may sound insignificant but I knew afterward that I had hurt you and there is no greater guilt than that of knowing you have hurt someone you love. There was also the time at Pizza Hut that me and Will pried from you your reason for hating water skiing. Although I am truly honored that you would trust me with such a personal piece of information, we had no right to pry into your personal affairs and bring back painful memories of things that are none of our business.

All these things and my fear of rejection by a person who I respected so much kept me from telling you how I feel. But now things have changed. I know who I am and what is important to me. I know that It is better to live with no than maybe. I must know where I stand so that I may either take the next step or get on with my life.

I had managed to get along for several months with out seeing you and was doing just fine. Out of sight is out of mind as they say. But seeing you at your brothers' party brought back every feeling every desire tenfold. Even as I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with L. I could not help but glance over to see what you were doing. I saw you interacting with all your friends. I watched you as you lived this life that I am not a part of and felt hurt as you so innocently ignored me. So I immersed myself in the conversation with L. I doubt she ever suspected just how close to tears I was at that night. When I got home I let down my guard. There was no one there to see my pain and so I let it all lose. I had already been depressed that week (and most of this year for that matter) and that in addition to seeing you was more than I could bear. I went to the playground at the elementary school and climbed one of the Jungle-gyms. There I sat, staring at the lights of San Juan crying silent tears as I resolved my feelings for you. It was then I decided that I could no longer float between friend and lover. I had to become one or the other.

I had intended to tell you this on Friday night but that would have been impossible with seven other people around and I could never have remembered everything I wanted to say. That is why I have chosen to write you a letter instead of telling you in person. I have waited so long to tell you this that I wanted to make sure I got it right, all of it. I needed a way to tell you how I feel without sounding corny or overly dramatic, (which i'm afraid this letter may be) but if you like I will be happy to tell you anything in this letter in person at any time. I wanted to tell you how every time I see you I long to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, to take you in my arms and never let go. And if I had less respect for you and your wishes, I might not have been able to resist doing just that.

You once told me that you were tired of looking for somebody and that you would like someone to look for you, for a change. Well Karen, somebody has been looking and he has found what he was looking for. The only question is, can he reach it? If I am reaching you, if something in this letter touches you, then you will know where to find me. If not please do not cause your self any pain over what will happen to me. I can't have that on my conscience. They say that it is easier to love than to be loved. Having received a few of these letters myself I must say that it is true, it is always easier to be hurt than to hurt another.

I have been prepared for a long time now to deal with your answer, whatever it may be. I offer my love and ask only this: that you be as honest with me as I have been with you. Because to have you because you felt some obligation or guilt would be meaningless.

If ever you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on or just want to talk, I want you to know that I will always be there for you. There is an old saying that says "old lovers make the best friends." Well, that is also true of would-be lovers and you shall always have a friend in me.

All my love,
Alex

P.S. Whether or not you share this letter with your friends and families is up to you. I would not object to you sharing it with your close friends but given the fact that these are my inner most thoughts and emotions I would prefer that they were not distributed openly for everyone to hear. Share what you must but keep the rest between us. I am including a picture and hope that you will either give me one of you or allow me to take some. Also, if you feel bad about dinner then I'm sorry but I'm a little old fashioned and perhaps too generous. If you like you can take me out next time.

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These two photos of Leif were actually taken of him with K. on two of their dates. I believe they were taken in April 1992. I think he looks kind of like some debonair Spanish caballero. You can see how happy he looks. The chain mail he is wearing around his neck he made himself. I think there were few high school juniors who were already able to grow a beard and mustache.