The MIssing Stone

On November 9, 2008, I posted a picture of this ring intact, with Leif's birthstone on the left, and November 29, 2008, I wrote about how I had lost the garnet stone that was Leif's birthstone on the left side of the ring. I found it and replaced it in the ring but oddly, it fell out again. I had it repaired again but had to have the stone replaced that time, since I couldn't find it.

Now, it has disappeared again. Last Monday, December 10, I noticed it was missing. I couldn't find the stone.

It seems so strange to me, that only Leif's stone falls out. It's as if it's trying to prove that he is gone and won't stay here. I am not a superstitious person, but it is a very odd coincidence. Even the jewelry company that made the ring from Peter Anthony's design, and has fixed the ring twice, can't seem to make it stay in.

It's sad. I can't wear the ring like this, and I don't know whether it makes sense to replace the stone yet again. I wonder if it would stay. Somehow I doubt it.

I fell doubly sad about it because I haven't been able to take time to write anything on Leif's blog for a month, and not much before that. I've been completely involved with my mother's affairs, since she suffered another fractured vertebra and has been in the hospital and rehab. I've spent a lot of time with her and taking care of her affairs, and been most grateful to my two sisters for coming, each of them for ten days, to help and be with her, too.

I've thought of Leif every day, many times a day. I've missed him at Thanksgiving, our fifth Thanksgiving without him. I still want to see him driving up the driveway, fell his warm bear hug, hear his laugh.

The holidays will always be bittersweet, sweet with the family we have and the memories we've kept, bitter without Leif there to share them with us. It's so hard to realize he will not be here for the fifth Christmas. We will miss him so.

“Youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief.”  ― Nicholas Sparks

How true that is. We have to be glad for the years of happiness, though even those memories are now bittersweet.

Leif's Antilles High School Class Ring - 1992

Leif had a fine eye for design and liked to have utilitarian items that were beautifully designed but he claimed that he "didn't see the point" in jewelry or other items that had no utilitarian purpose, even if they were beautiful. He rarely bought jewelry, except for the earrings he wore after our friend Jennifer Coffey pierced his ears for him, but there were a few notable exceptions.

He did want a class ring from Antilles High School in Puerto Rico, and we got him one when he was a junior in 1992. Although he had to move to Kansas before his senior year, he identified with his AHS class, and his graduation present from us was a trip back to Puerto Rico to be with his class there for their graduation.

Leif was not a neat person and his room or apartment were usually a big mess, except for his computer desk. The very few things that I could always find without any problem included his AHS class ring, and later, his wedding ring, watches, and a silver two-sided battle axe necklace I brought him from Greece. Although each of these could be considered jewelry (the watches, were utilitarian, at least), they had some emotional or sentimental meaning for him. More about the others later.

Beginning much earlier, Leif had a strong interest in ancient warriors and weaponry. One of the best school projects he ever did was a catalog of medieval armor he made in junior high school. When he picked the emblems for his class ring, note the medieval knight with the sword and the battle axe on the side. It went perfectly with the cupola from El Morro, one of the Spanish fortresses in San Juan, which we visited many times. Leif's initials L.A. are on the top of the ring and he chose a purple stone. Purple was always one of his favorite colors. I don't know why he chose to put L.A. on the ring instead of L.G., and I found it also interesting that he chose the L. because at that time he was still going by his nickname, Alex.

I don't remember when Leif stopped wearing his class ring, though I suspect it was when he went into the army, but even though he didn't wear it, he treasured it and kept it in a place where it could be seen, such as the mantle over the fireplace at the 710 N. 9th Street house in Manhattan, Kansas.

I wonder how many high school graduates could look at their class rings years later and see that there is such a consistency of interest that Leif's showed. From Puerto Rico, he went to Kansas and there he joined the Society for Creative Anachronism and had real swords and a battle axe and also the rattan variety that he could use in the SCA fights. I've already posted some photos of Leif fighting in his armor.

I now have Leif's class ring, and while it means something to me because it was his and represents him so well, I wonder, what am I to do with it? There are no children who could treasure a father's ring. Who would remember him with it when I am gone?

A Sign or a Coincidence

Life is full of strange coincidences. Sometimes we just recognize them as such, and sometimes, we make connections that might or might not really be there.

I've already posted this photo of the ring that Peter Anthony designed and had made for me in Thailand, the one with the birthstones for him and for Leif, and the three diamonds for my grandchildren.

Yesterday morning after I washed my hands, I was drying them and both that ring and Leif's wedding ring that I wear literally flew off my hand and fell to the bathroom floor. They were loose, but they had never come off before. I found them on the floor and put them back on and thought no more of it until I was having lunch with my sister at a nice restaurant and happened to look at my hand. Then I saw that Leif's birthstone was missing.

I feared I would never find it, and though I could have it replaced, of course I wanted the one that was originally in the ring. However, I had a feeling that it must have fallen out of the ring when the rings came off my finger in the bathroom, and hoped it would find it there.

When I got back, I started sweeping the bathroom floor with my hand to see if I could find the tiny stone. To my amazement, I did.

Coincidence? Probably. But if you believe in supernatural signs, maybe Leif was telling me he's here.

Seven Months Since Leif Died

The months continue to pass. Today (Sunday, November 9th) it has been seven months since Leif died. Tomorrow it will be seven months since we found him. He wasn't supposed to die that way, my proud, brilliant son. I always believed in him, always believed that something good would come into his life, that he would find a goal, find his way. Why couldn't my faith have been rewarded? For him, not for me, though I would have rejoiced for both of us.

Not a day goes by that we don't talk about him, try to fathom why he did it, why he made such a terrible decision. We know all the factors. Or at least we think we do, but perhaps there's more we can't discover. And yet we still can't truly fathom it, why he felt there was no other way out, at least for him.

We spent a lovely weekend in Inverness, Homosassa and Crystal River, walking in the state parks, seeing two dolphins and a manatee in the river, an armadillo walking right by us on the path in the park. We enjoyed an arts and crafts fair, a seafood festival, all in the lovely "fall" air. Walked beside a lake, beside the river. We enjoyed being together, and visiting Leif's friend Michael and seeing his screen printing equipment, meeting Karen, and all the while, Leif was there with us, in our minds.

Peter and I were having dinner at the Outback on Saturday night and he took my hands and felt the ring that Peter A. designed for me and had made in Thailand. I always wear it. Peter Anthony designed it with the birthstones for him and Leif pointing toward the center, which he envisioned as pointing toward the ring that symbolized our love for each other. There are three diamonds set in the middle and to the two sides, symbolizing Peter Anthony's children, our three grandchildren. The ring is a treasure.

When Peter W. took my hand, he said, "here are your two sons, and now one of them is gone." How quickly the mood changed. How fast my eyes teared up.

And as we drove home, past Tampa, Peter W. said, "If Leif were still alive, we'd be driving by, close to him now. It doesn't seem right that he isn't there. He wasn't supposed to die like that. No way would have been good, but this way, how could he?"

That's the never-ending question of the suicide survivor, the why?

That's the never-ending obsession that we must somehow get past, but perhaps never will.

We love him. We miss him. Always.

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The birthstones are the garnet, for Leif's birthday on January 28th (red) and the blue topaz for Peter Anthony's birthday on December 25th.