Seven Months Since Leif Died

The months continue to pass. Today (Sunday, November 9th) it has been seven months since Leif died. Tomorrow it will be seven months since we found him. He wasn't supposed to die that way, my proud, brilliant son. I always believed in him, always believed that something good would come into his life, that he would find a goal, find his way. Why couldn't my faith have been rewarded? For him, not for me, though I would have rejoiced for both of us.

Not a day goes by that we don't talk about him, try to fathom why he did it, why he made such a terrible decision. We know all the factors. Or at least we think we do, but perhaps there's more we can't discover. And yet we still can't truly fathom it, why he felt there was no other way out, at least for him.

We spent a lovely weekend in Inverness, Homosassa and Crystal River, walking in the state parks, seeing two dolphins and a manatee in the river, an armadillo walking right by us on the path in the park. We enjoyed an arts and crafts fair, a seafood festival, all in the lovely "fall" air. Walked beside a lake, beside the river. We enjoyed being together, and visiting Leif's friend Michael and seeing his screen printing equipment, meeting Karen, and all the while, Leif was there with us, in our minds.

Peter and I were having dinner at the Outback on Saturday night and he took my hands and felt the ring that Peter A. designed for me and had made in Thailand. I always wear it. Peter Anthony designed it with the birthstones for him and Leif pointing toward the center, which he envisioned as pointing toward the ring that symbolized our love for each other. There are three diamonds set in the middle and to the two sides, symbolizing Peter Anthony's children, our three grandchildren. The ring is a treasure.

When Peter W. took my hand, he said, "here are your two sons, and now one of them is gone." How quickly the mood changed. How fast my eyes teared up.

And as we drove home, past Tampa, Peter W. said, "If Leif were still alive, we'd be driving by, close to him now. It doesn't seem right that he isn't there. He wasn't supposed to die like that. No way would have been good, but this way, how could he?"

That's the never-ending question of the suicide survivor, the why?

That's the never-ending obsession that we must somehow get past, but perhaps never will.

We love him. We miss him. Always.

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The birthstones are the garnet, for Leif's birthday on January 28th (red) and the blue topaz for Peter Anthony's birthday on December 25th.