Which Leif Garretson Should I Remember on Memorial Day?

When I remember Leif on Memorial Day, which Leif should I remember? The boy who wanted to grow up to be an Air Force pilot but couldn't because his eyes wouldn't pass the flight physical? The college student who joined Air Force ROTC to become an Air Force officer, scoring at the top his class at summer camp, only to be sent home when his body failed him again with a pulled muscle in his groin?

The man who enlisted in the infantry, the toughest physical challenge, to try to find a way into the military, hoping to qualify for Green to Gold to become an officer? The man who went through Infantry Basic Training on a broken foot after a fellow soldier fell on it during first aid training?

The man who breathed and ate sand and dust in Uzbekistan during UN maneuvers and developed severe asthma so that his body betrayed him yet again? The man who served his country with distinction in Bosnia as a peacekeeper? The man who was the best machine gunner in his battalion?

The proud soldier who became a broken man, the one who, with PTSD, finally ended his life like far too many of our veterans? He didn't die in a combat battle, but he died in his own private war, one brought on at least partly by his military service.

So, on this Memorial Day, I remember Leif Garretson, my son, who served his country, and is no longer with us. I will always be proud of him and his service.

This photo was taken around 1999.

What would Leif have had to say about this?

Exoskeleton defines a new class of warrior, an article and video from Scientific American, shows new technology for the infantry soldier, set to be in use by 2015. It brings the boots-on-the-ground soldier closer to his sic-fi counterpart and the avatar characters Leif loved to play in both computer and online games like PlanetSide. He would have made a good source of ideas and outstanding critique. I wonder how he would have seen this as useful in combat, or how it would change it. I wondering he would have been anxious to try it out.

Leif was always keenly interested in weaponry, strategy, and the gear and capabilities of soldiers and had piercing insights about them. How I wish someone had seen that incredible talent and put it to use.
----------------

This photo of Leif, which I have posted before, was taken in Uzbekistan in the fall of 1998 when he was taking part in UN exercises.

A Few Last Photos of Leif in Uniform in 1998

I think these were taken when Leif was in either Azerbaijan or Uzbekistan with UN exercises in September 1998. You can see that he still has that jaunty pride about him, that confidence, and that he was still enjoying life and even the army. How I wish he had been able to continue that way. I will always wonder what happened to trigger the asthma that ruined his life in the army and that as a possible career. He said that when they were in Uzbekistan they were down in the sand breathing dust and sand for two weeks and i've always wondered if that was what started it. We will never know.

I still have his boots, a pair of his BDUs (known as fatigues in "my day") and his dress greens (Class A uniform) in my closet and his dog tags hanging in my bedroom. If he had a child, I would pass them on, but for now, they are just another memory for me, evidence of a period of his life along with so many other things of his I don't know what to do with. You can sell a car, but what do you with personal items like that? I gave away his clothes and shoes to a church thrift shop that helps migrant workers though Peter W. saved some of Leif's shirts, but the uniform seemed somehow significant, far more significant than a regular civilian shirt or pants. The uniform signifies his service to our country and something he identified with more deeply that most people could ever understand.

Leif's 26th Christmas 2000 - Manhattan, Kansas - Almost 26 years old

What a difference five years makes. In January 1998, Leif had enlisted in the army, as an infantryman, completed his basic training at Ft. Benning, Georgia, and been stationed at Ft. Drum, NY. He had trained with UN troops in Uzbekistan and served as a peacemaker in Bosnia. When he came back in the spring of 2000, he found his marriage was in trouble and by August Nikko had left him at Ft. Drum to go back to Kansas.

We flew Leif home to Kansas for Christmas with us and the rest of the family, but you could see that he was not the same exuberant, happy young man he once had been. We were happy to have him there, and I know it was better by far for him than being alone and lonely at Fort Drum, but it must have been difficult to head back there again the in the dead of winter, alone, with his cold weather asthma and the misery his platoon sergeant was giving him. He didn't let on much to us at that time, seemed subdued, but in his code of not showing weakness, he "took it like a man."

At least he could come home for Christmas still in those days, though we nearly lost him to his despondency that winter.

At a concert, the song, "I'll Be Home for Christmas" got to us this month, as we realized that he will never be home for Christmas again.

Leif - Bosnia - Fall 1999 - Spring 2000 - Age 25

Leif was deployed for duty in Bosnia Herzegovina from Fall 1999 - Spring 2000. He was on sentry duty and on patrol in the machine gun turret of a vehicle, and was stationed in (I believe) three different camps during the period he was there.

Leif had a receding hairline which kept getting worse, and while he was in Bosnia, he decided to just shave his head. He never went back to having hair and said that when it started to grow, it felt "dirty" to him once he was used to the clean-shaven head.

Seeing Bosnia and what hatred for another religion or ethnic group had caused there had a profound effect on Leif. As a student of history, he already had opinions about religion causing so many problems and wars in the world, but when he saw the damage first hand, it solidified his belief that religion was too often a force of terrible evils.

Leif said there was no home or building that wasn't damaged by the war there, that many were in shambles, completely destroyed, and those that were standing and in use were marked by bullet holes and other damage. He said that Bosnia was a beautiful country, and would have been a delightful place to visit had it not been for the circumstances of the war and the peacekeeping effort.

The American troops were not supposed to have anything to do with the local populace, which he also thought was a shame, but he understood the reason for it. He recounted a story in which some of his unit managed to go to a local place for a pizza, and really enjoyed it, but said they could have gotten into a lot of trouble.

He also told a story about a time when he was on patrol when they nearly shot at other Americans who were in a restricted area and hadn't let the patrols know they were there.

Leif made some videos of the camps there, explaining where things were, a kind of tour, but so far, I don't have anything to play them with, because of the format.

Leif had been very unhappy at Fort Drum, partly because he felt that soldiers in his unit were not being treated well (and sometimes very cruelly and humiliatingly) by a particular sergeant, partly because he felt they were wasting a lot of time, were kept past retreat (time to go home) without reason (just waiting in the day room for dismissal), and because he had developed cold weather asthma the previous winter at Fort Drum after having been to Uzbekistan and "eating and breathing sand for two weeks." However, he found his time in Bosnia to be far more interesting and rewarding because, as he put it, "we finally had a mission."

Leif contended that it is hard to be an infantry soldier in peacetime because there is no real mission. Yes, they have to train and be prepared to fight, but that training doesn't go on eight hours a day, five or more days a week, so there are "make work" projects and a lot of wasted time. Leif hated boredom and hated having his time wasted.

But in Bosnia, he could see a clear reason for their mission. Leif said that he felt that if the US and NATO troops left, the war would resume and people would start killing each other again. Despite the fact that he knew the USA could not police the world, he did feel a sense of pride and accomplishment at his service in Bosnia, and a sense of comradeship in arms that was much more pronounced that he had felt in the USA.

The photo of Leif above was taken while he was on patrol in Bosnia but I don't know the date. I found it in an album he had. He had never shown those photos to us.

The three certificates are from his time in Bosnia.

Certificate of Appreciation
This Certificate is Presented to
SPC Leif A. Garretson
C Col, 2nd Battalion, 87th Infantry Regiment
For dedication to duty, and service to the
2nd Brigade Task Force, while assigned
as part of SFOR-6 in Bosnia Herzegovina.

Comanche Base
Operation Joint Forge
Certificate of Achievement
Presented to SPC Leif A. Garretson
3rd Platton, C Co., 2/87 Infantry Regiment
For exemplary performance of duty while assigned as a Sentry at Comanche Base, Bosnia-Herzegovina during Operation Joint Forge from 26 December 1999 to 26 January 2000. Your dedication and willingness to put forth the extra effort in all that you do is indicative of your professionalism and desire to be the best. This achievement is in keeping with the highest traditions of military service. Fly to Glory!

The third certificate is in the language used in Bosnia. It came with a small badge or lapel pin that looks like the one on the certificate, oval, red, with crossed rifles. It reads, as nearly as I can translate it:

SPC Garretson
has earned
The Military Sharpshooter Medallion
In Bronse
Bosnia, 3 December 1999

I wish I knew how that kind of competition took place. Leif's normal weapon was the machine gun, but this was evidently for a rifle competition or qualification.

I found these certificates and the Bosnian sharpshooter medallion in Leif's things.

Leif was promoted from Private First Class to Specialist sometime between when we saw him in July 1999 and December 1999 when he got the sharpshooter award, but I don't recall that he told us about it.

We had limited contact with Leif while he was in Bosnia, just a few emails. I'm going to try to see whether they are still on my computer and whether there are any interesting details in them. It would be unusual, since Leif didn't often write much.

Leif in Camouflage Gear - Fall 1998

From his training at Fort Benning, Georgia, Private First Class Leif Garretson was sent to the 10th Mountain Division at Fort Drum, New York, after stopping in Kansas to get his household goods packed up and transported, and his old Ford truck loaded up. He and Nikko headed for upstate New York and were assigned quarters in an off base army housing complex in Watertown, New York.

That summer and fall seemed to go fairly well for Leif. He was fit and liked being a machine gunner. He had an assistant gunner that became his close friend, James Mayo. Nikko and Jim's wife, Jaime, also became friend.

I'm not sure I have the timing all correct, but Leif's unit participated in training cadets at West Point, and then were sent to Uzbekistan for joint war games and maneuvers with other NATO troops. I posted some photos of him in Uzbekistan when I first started the blog back in April.

I haven't found any photos of Leif in full battle gear, but when he was carrying his full infantry pack, his machine gun, and body armor, he was carrying about the total of his own weight. He told me how much weight he carried several times, but I unfortunately didn't write it down, don't accurately remember it, and never dreamed I wouldn't have him there to ask if I forgot.

I can't imagine being strong enough to walk carrying that amount of weight (probably some 200 pounds), let alone being able to move swiftly for military maneuvers.

Although I am pretty sure these photos were taken in the fall of 1998, I don't know whether they were for some field exercise, when they were training the West Point cadets, or whether they were on their way to Uzbekistan. I think they spent several weeks there.

Leif - Memorial Day Visit to the Cemetery

I have always felt sad on Memorial Day, for all those who died for our country, and all their families, and I feel the same each time I hear and see the "Honor Roll" for those who have died in Afghanistan and Iraq on television. Leif felt very strongly about the deaths of his fellow soldiers in Iraq. He felt out country valued the lives of its soldiers far less than the lives of those who died on 9/11, and he blamed President Bush for their deaths.

I have never visited a national cemetery on Memorial Day before. We went today (it will show up as yesterday on the blog post date because it's after midnight) to honor Leif, and because they set his stone marker on Friday and we wanted to see it. It wasn't so much about visiting Leif, because the Leif we love isn't there. It's hard to know that all he was, that towering figure in so many ways, is now just our memories and photos, and all that's in that niche is ashes.

When we were there for the inurnment service, there was hardly anyone else there. It was a place of quiet peace. Today, there were many families visiting the graves of loved ones, some placing flowers, one man down on his hands and knees carefully scraping dust and dirt out of the incised letters of the marker stone. There were small American flags by each in-ground burial (all burials at Bay Pines National Cemetery are cremations), and that made it so much more obvious how many are buried here. The stones are flat to the ground, so it looks more like beautiful grass fields unless you walk over them and see the stones as you look down.

The campanile was playing the songs of each military service as we got there. That started the tears flowing. It always does, whether I'm at a sad occasion or not, just as the National Anthem makes me cry. I'm a hopelessly emotional person, I guess.

Peter had been worried about how I would handle seeing Leif's niche with the stone in place, and yes, I cried, but it wasn't as bad as either of us feared. I think it was because I had tried hard to prepare myself, and because I realized that it isn't really Leif that is there.

I decided to put a series of photos on this post beginning with one of him in Uzbekistan. He is in the center with two UN soldiers from other countries on either side of him. The other photos are his marker, the columbarium that his niche is in (his is exactly in the middle on the second row from the top), one of the fields of flags, and the column monument at the entrance to the cemetery.

If you haven't been to a national cemetery and you have the chance to go, please do. You will find it very moving, and all those who paid for our liberty with their lives deserve our thanks. Arlington National Cemetery is particularly worth a visit.

Leif did not die in the service of his country, at least not directly, though I think that service played a part in his death. He was a disabled veteran who began having asthma attacks in cold weather after the military exercises he was a part of in Uzbekistan in the fall of 1998. Although I have no way of proving it, I believe the experienced some substance or "trigger" there which caused his asthma. He had never had it before.

It was asthma that ruined his military career and put a stop to his hopes of a career in law enforcement, and was part of a chain of disappointments that added to his depression.

But no matter what, Leif served his country proudly and took very seriously his oath to defend the Constitution of the United States. And we are proud of him for his service.

Leif - Infantry Machine Gunner - Uzbekistan 1998

Leif was a machine gunner in the infantry, and he was outstanding at it. He received several awards as the best in his units, earned sharpshooter badges, and loved that gun. This photo was taken in a tent in Uzbekistan, when his unit from the Tenth Mountain Division, was there for UN exercises in the fall of 1998. It was actually taken in a tent and there were other guys from his unit in the background. I took them out with PhotoShop because I don't know who they were and can't ask their permission to post their photos on the blog.

Leif had a strong bond with his assistant gunner, James Mayo. They lost contact after they both got out of the service, and Leif tried to find Jim online but never succeeded.

When Leif was carrying his entire infantry pack and the gun, the weight was about the same as his body weight.

Leif was also a certified armorer. He loved guns and knew more about them than anyone I ever met.

It's the wee hours of the morning on Monday, May 26th, Memorial Day, the day we honor those who died for their country. Leif was not killed in a war, or die from combat wounds, but he served his country well and was disabled by his service. We will visit the cemetery later today and see the marker stone set in his niche for the first time. Later I'll post a photo of that.