Missing Him So Much

Sunday, November 29th I attended a lovely Christmas concert. A part of the program was a sing-along that included "I'll Be Home for Christmas." I couldn't sing it, just as I couldn't sing it seven years ago, the first Christmas without Leif in 2008. I still got all choked up with tears in my eyes, but I couldn't let myself cry. I didn't want to spoil other people's good time, and I was also the "official" photographer for the concert. I had to keep my mind on my task.

But it wasn't easy, and it hasn't gotten easier in the two days since then. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Leif's birthday. They are always hard. I miss him every day of my life, but I miss him doubly at those times, days we always shared with him throughout his life, with the exception of a very few years when he was gone in the army. But even then, most of the Christmases he was able to come home to be with us, and could still talk to him on the other holidays. I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh, his rascally twinkling eyes. I miss his teasing and his holding forth on any topic.

He would sure have a lot to say about the current presidential race. I wish he were here to say it. He'd have plenty to say about the Middle East mess, too. And strong opinions about the poor treatment of veterans, and the importance of the lives of soldiers. He would understand and agree with "Black lives matter," and he would undoubtedly add, "Soldiers lives matter." We should not waste them!

He would have a lot to say about the events of the day, from support for Planned Parenthood to dash cams for police officers.

And he would be reveling in the upcoming release of the new Star Trek and Star Wars movies, and grinning over the exploits of Super Girl.

There is so much of the world today that would make him angry, and so much he would enjoy, if only he were here. If only. If only. If only . . . .

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This photo was taken December 10, 2006 when we met him and Donna for dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Brandon. He's opening a phone we gave him.

Leif's thoughts on infantry training and the army

Leif had such divided thoughts about the army and his military service. He was deeply devoted to our country and took very seriously his oath to defend it from all enemies, foreign and domestic. He had a reverence for our Constitution.

He was both enormously proud of his military service and very angry and how he was treated because of his asthma. He had leaders he liked and highly respected (though they are not mentioned in the piece below) and those he hated -- the ones he saw as petty dictators who delighted in humiliating soldiers, particularly his best friend; those he felt were careerists more interested in promotion than in the soldiers in the command.

His view of the army was through the lens of his unit and its operations, a micro view, to be sure, but it gives a window into a soldier's experience. Despite his biting criticism of their training (only being allowed to actually fire their weapons twice a year, for instance) and inefficiency, he was deeply proud of the soldiers with whom he served and continued to identify himself as a member of that infantry brotherhood all his life.

What made him so angry was what he continually saw as the monumental wastes of time, when he and the other soldiers had no more assigned tasks, past the end of the duty day, but were not dismissed to go home and had to just sit in the day room for an hour or hours. He hated the busywork that had them polishing floors rather than training, and with his quick mind and gift for strategy, felt that much of the training was wasteful marching rather than learning useful battle skills.

The piece below was written to his brother on February 8, 2001, in email he sent to me to be forwarded. It came in answer to his brother's thoughts on job satisfaction in the Air Force. Leif had been in the army for three years at that point and was deeply unhappy. It was during the period after he returned from service in Bosnia to find that his marriage was over, his health was ruined, and although he was the best machine gunner in the battalion (and had the awards for it) and could meet the requirements of the army PT (physical training test), he was treated abusively and denied promotion and awards because of his asthma, which made him unable to run as fast as that leader wanted his men to run. He was a deeply unhappy man when he wrote this, but it accurately reflects his feelings at the time. He was medically retired from the army a few months later.

During his service in Bosnia, he was not unhappy and he did feel they had a useful mission, and that things went much better when they did have a clear military mission. However, at that time, he still felt that mission had not been a clear benefit to the citizens of the USA or the world. I don't know whether he felt differently about it over the years. He was proud of that service.

With that background in mind, here are his thoughts from early 2001.

The photo of him was taken sitting on his cot in the first camp he was in when he went to Bosnia. I don't know who took it, but it was another soldier in his unit. The date on the photo is September 13, 1999. He was moved from camp to camp during the Bosnia duty. Because of his pose, I hesitated to post this photo, but it is surely no secret that this gesture is used, and the photo seems to fit the sentiments expressed below.

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First off, You Weenie! Oh the horror, no shower for 33 hours! Try 33 days, you wimp.

But otherwise I must say that I can in no way whatsoever relate to what you are talking about. As a member of the line infantry, or nation's first line of defense (against whatever your compadres failed to shoot down or bomb into oblivion), I have seen a lot of operations. Many, if not all, cost the taxpayer a very pretty penny. And I have yet to see or be able to say that they served any purpose other than to provide a nice bullet for some officer's OER*.

Hundreds of thousands, even millions, are spent on our training and deployments but I cannot say that we have done a single thing that truly benefited this nation or made us more prepared for war, at least not in any proportion with the monetary expenditure that said exercises required. 

From my limited experience with the Air force, I wish that they could be commissioned to reorganize/realign the army. In Bosnia we spend over a million dollars a day to operate one camp. And in seven months I could not give you one example of a day that I felt I had made a difference.

Job satisfaction? That is a concept so alien to me that I must recall the days when I was a pizza delivery driver, for I made much more difference in the quality of life of the American citizen by getting that pizza to a hungry customer On Time than I did to the people of the world as a soldier in the United States infantry.

Perhaps it is simply the fact that we exist for the sole purpose of all out war and when no such war exists there is no secondary purpose to which our leadership can divert us. Our training is contrived and artificial. Our days are an endless monotony of wasted time and an apparent inability to deal with the "difficult" tasks of peace time life, a waste that only furthers our contempt for the nature of the army. Strangely, the ineptitude of our organization in peace time does not make me fear for war. In war there is no time for career-minded ambition. No worries about the luster of the floors. No luxury of petty superiority.

When those things leave us and a real challenge arrives, we seem to posses the ability to pull together and work toward the common purposes of victory and survival. However, in time of peace we seem to lose our way and become distracted with such frivolous and meaningless pursuits as would befit a janitor or gardener, not the noble warriors that defend our great nation. Countless dollars are spent on floor wax and training exercises that teach us nothing except how to walk blindly with the confidence of a boxer that has never lost a fight. Our budget allows us to perform multi-million-dollar operations that teach us nothing and then deny us the opportunity to fire our rifles more than twice a year.

The sort of efficiency you described is simply impossible in the army. Even a rapid deployment force would take days just to prep and plan for such an operation. Our army is sick. No one on the outside can see its ailments for we proud men hide our flaws andshield our egos from the light of day. And like a proud man our army will not seek adoctor's care.

Only when it collapses will an outsider see how it has deteriorated. Only then, in our darkest hour, when this 'machine' of incompetence and misdirection has broken down will we be able to start again and build the army of tomorrow. Until then our only satisfaction will lie in the fact that no matter how flawed or pointless the endeavors that may fill the interlude between wars, we few men and women of the United States Army volunteered to defend this great nation against all enemies foreign and domestic should she ever need to call on us.

*OER = Officer Efficiency Report (job evaluation for promotion purposes)

A US Veteran Dies by Suicide Every 80 Minutes.

How inexpressibly sad that so many of our servicemembers and veterans are committing suicide. Read this blog piece by Juliette Kayyam, "A US Veteran Dies by Suicide Every 80 Minutes," and hope that we can do something to prevent this continuing tragedy. I wonder how much of it is due to social isolation in a country were so few people serve in the military and people don't understand what they go through. 

Even in Suicide, Soldiers' Families Deserve Condolences From President

Leif was no longer in uniform, no longer on active duty in the army when he took his life. He was medically retired, but he felt close to his brothers in arms, cared deeply about them, and identified with them. He kept his uniforms, boots and dog tags. They continued to have meaning. He often talked and commented about policies that impacted soldiers' lives, and was against their lives being lost in what he felt were needless wars that counted their lives of too little value, no matter how much lip service was paid to our "heroes."

He would have been incensed to know that soldiers who died of suicide to not receive condolences from the President, as those who die in other ways do. He would have supported Gregg Keesling's efforts to make this happen. Read the article by clicking on the title, "

Even in Suicide, Soldiers' Families Deserve Condolences From the President."

Mike Purcell talks about this in a Military Times, Outside the Wire Article titled, "Are Suicides Considered Less Honorable?" (Click the title to read it.) He says, and it is so true, as you will learn if you read the stories of those soldiers who took their lives . . . they were good soldiers and served their country well:

“This Memorial Day please remember those we have lost on ‘the other battlefield,’” Purcell writes. “Their service mattered greatly, as did they. Their families deserve to be recognized with dignity and respect, in their time of profound loss.”

It's now past Memorial Day, but we should remember still.

Purcell is also behind the Putting a Face on Suicide project, a Facebook page with a broader mission to literally show the faces of those who have died by their own hand, whether military (there is a special Wall for them) or not. It isn't possible to visit that page without being affected by all the smiling faces of those who felt life was not worth living and the pain of those left behind.
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The photo is one taken of Leif by an unknown fellow soldier. I found it in an envelope of photos he had.

What would Leif have had to say about this?

Exoskeleton defines a new class of warrior, an article and video from Scientific American, shows new technology for the infantry soldier, set to be in use by 2015. It brings the boots-on-the-ground soldier closer to his sic-fi counterpart and the avatar characters Leif loved to play in both computer and online games like PlanetSide. He would have made a good source of ideas and outstanding critique. I wonder how he would have seen this as useful in combat, or how it would change it. I wondering he would have been anxious to try it out.

Leif was always keenly interested in weaponry, strategy, and the gear and capabilities of soldiers and had piercing insights about them. How I wish someone had seen that incredible talent and put it to use.
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This photo of Leif, which I have posted before, was taken in Uzbekistan in the fall of 1998 when he was taking part in UN exercises.

Leif Loved the Fourth of July

I have no photos of Leif setting off fireworks or watching them. I have only the memories of how much he loved the Fourth of July, starting when he was a very young boy. He gloried in all the noise and light, the sound and fury. He was excited when the fireworks stands started popping up. He loved setting off firecrackers and twirling sparklers, and when he was older, the larger fireworks. He loved seeing the big city displays.

One of his last Fourths he was in Tampa, down by Channelside by the bay, watching the fireworks over the water and text messaging me about how beautiful it was.

He loved what the Fourth represented, was passionate about the U.S. Constitution, and defending our liberty.

So today, when I have no photo of him on the Fourth, I am posting the back of my USO t-shirt. He would have approved.

I Will Remember Him Always

What will I remember about my Leif? Everything.

I will remember the beautiful child that none of us realized was as vulnerable as he was. I will remember the tall, strong boy and his wonderful smile. I will remember how frustrated he could get when he wasn't able to make his hands do what his mind envisioned.

I will remember the brilliant mind and incredible memory my son had, and how we recognized it when he was so young.

I will remember the soccer player who could boot the ball three-fourths of the way down the field.

I will remember the teen who was tall and slim, a black belt in judo, a guitar player, a singer. I will remember his as Kenicke in "Grease," with all the girls screaming for him. I will remember him graduating from high school.

I will remember the handsome young man who married when he was only twenty years old and the devastated man who nearly took his life when his marriage failed.

I will remember the proud, tall soldier who graduated from infantry basic training and who was proud of his ability with a machine gun, and the broken soldier who was medically retired from the army when he was only twenty-six years old.

I will remember the recovering man who graduated from college and was proud of his new car.

I remember how happy he was when he fell in love again, and how utterly devastated he was when she left him, how I was worried he would not survive.

I remember him on his motorcycles, the three different ones he owned in his lifetime, the ones he drove far too fast, and I remember him in the hospital after the accident he had.

I remember how he loved cars and his RX-7s and RX-8, especially the RX-8, how he drove like a race car driver, what he really always wanted to be.

I remember him helping us with the house and yard, helping us move. I remember him helping my mother with her computer.

I remember him playing chess with Madeleine and being silly with Aly.

I remember him being in debt and spending money foolishly.

I remember him being in dark moods and fearing for him.

I remember his guns, his music collection, his passion for technology and science fiction.

I remember his hugs, his smiles.

I remember how desperately he needed and searched for love.

I remember how Leif wanted to be the hero, that he was the gentle giant who would fight to defend his family, his friends, his country. I remember his personal code was to never show weakness, and how he kept his deep and towering emotions inside. I remember how he wanted to be needed, to be respected and loved.

I remember bringing him into the world full of hope for him. It is hard to accept that our dreams for Leif will never be realized, that he will never find his purpose and defeat his demons, that he will never have a family, that he will never be there for a birthday or a Christmas, never be there to teach us about the latest technology and set things up for us, never again tease me about driving like an old lady.

it will always be hard to know and remember that our love was not enough to save him, that no matter what I tried, I could not help him be happy, or take away his pain.

I remember that in many ways, he lived a life rich in experience, and we tried hard to provide some of those riches of experience, but I also remember that his life was drowned in depression and loneliness.In the end, he was overwhelmed.

I remember how he wanted to be a hero, wanted to be needed, wanted to be strong. I rememberhow, through so many disappointments and crises, he held his head high and did not let others see his pain and frustration. Finally, it was too much. I will remember how he bore that burden until the end.

Most of all, I remember how much I loved him. I love him still. I will always love him.
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This photo was taken of Leif on Bellows Beach on the island of Oahu in Hawaii, one of his favorite places. It was in August 1989 when he was fourteen-and-a-half. It was then he was reading Orson Scott Card's "Ender's Game" with such deep and avid interest.

Why Doesn't the President Send Condolences to the Families of Troops Who Commit Suicide?

The link contained in the title of this post is well worth reading, an interview with the parents of a soldier who committed suicide during this second tour of duty in Iraq, and who found out that the President (due to longstanding policy, not a new one with Obama) doesn't sent condolences to the families of troops who commit suicide. That seems wrong to me, and very sad for families who are already dealing with the crushing blow of losing someone they love, someone who very likely would still be alive if they hadn't been in the military, and in a war.

Here is another article by the interviewer, "The War Condolences Obama Hasn't Sent," about the same case.

This young man's story is so like Leif's, only Leif was medically boarded out of the army because of his asthma and therefore wasn't sent to Iraq, only to Bosnia, but if he had been sent to Iraq, I don't think he would have survived it.

The suicide rate in the military and among veterans is climbing alarmingly. They are dying of anguish and their lives have been sacrificed on the altar of war and military training. A RAND study found that 20% of the troops that serve in Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from PTSD or depression, and I'd be willing to bet there are more that aren't detected or don't admit it . . . until it's way too late.

Those of us who don't serve in our armed forces and don't have to face multiple deployments to war zones should be very thankful, thankful there is no draft (but it there were, the burden would be shared), thankful someone else is willing to shoulder the burden and soldier on.

But let's value the lives of those who commit suicide, too. They have served.

I think Leif would feel strongly about this, about honoring the service of his fellow soldiers.

Jerri's Depression Test

Leif took this interesting photo of himself in a convex security mirror somewhere in the downtown Chicago "Loop" area when he and I were walking around there looking at architecture one day. I think it shows an interesting eye for composition and even makes a kind of statement. He is in the center with his camera on a monopod. It was in the late fall of 1989, I think, and he was almost 15 years old.
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Jerri's Depression Test

I began keeping notes of possible signs of depression a year ago. A year before that, I had emailed Leif links to some online depression screening tests, and he insisted he wasn't depressed . . . until a couple of months later, when he admitted he was. he took the tests and insisted he scored great, no depression, and as I've said before, he was a psychology student and he knew how to "fool the test." Either he was fooling the test, fooling himself, trying to fool me, or all three. sometimes we hide things even from ourselves.

i wasn't satisfied with the screening tests, either. To me (another psychology student), they seem to be too narrow and some seem to leave out ways that men experience depression. On top of that, popular notions about depression seem to emphasize that a depressed person SEEMS depressed to those around him or her, which often is not true. They often cover it up very well. Leif certainly did. And the idea that a depressed person always seems sad, cries a lot, or can't function, isn't true, either, although there ARE depressed people who express it this way, who truly can't function.

My father was an organic chemistry professor who worked with doctoral graduate students and had many patents in his name. he was teaching classes at Kansas State University and working every day, known on campus as happy-go-lucky "Doc Kundiger," and yet he came home the night of February 9, 1960 with cyanide, told my mother he was going to sleep late the next morning, got up at about 2 a.m. and took the cyanide, apparently thinking he would have time to get back into bed and he'd be found later, as though he had died in bed. The cyanide worked too fast. He never made it to the bed. Only my mother knew he was depressed. He put on a good front for everyone else and only confided in her. Some people don't confide in anyone.

There are numerous stories in the news now about soldiers and veterans committing suicide, and how the military and the Veterans Administration are trying to find ways to help before they die, but it is very difficult and complex. Those with PTSD, depression or bipolar disorder (all at high risk for suicide) don't always confide their problems in anyone, many for the same reasons Leif didn't: pride, a desire to appear strong, and for many, probably a lack of understanding about what they are going through.

Depression is an insidious disease. It doesn't manifest itself the same way in everyone. I am not a licensed psychologist and this is not any kind of official screening test. However, if you take it, or answer it on behalf of someone you are worried about, and you find yourself answering "yes" to even five of these forty-five questions, then I beseech you to seek some professional help. Do not fear the stigma of mental illness. Depression is a physical disease due to chemical imbalances in the brain. There are treatments available, though they are not quick cures that remove all your problems.

As one who has survived the suicide of both my father and my son, and who found both of them when they died, believe me when I tell you that if you are thinking of suicide, you are not thinking clearly and need help, (with the possible exception of a terminal illness or unbearable pain). Your death will devastate your family and friends. Do not leave them that way.

Not all of the things on this test are always signs of depression. There may be other factors involved, other reasons for them. However, each of these is a possible and powerful sign of potential depression, and the more of them you answer yes to, the more you are likely to be depressed.

There may be external causes for your depression, financial problems, relationship problems, job problems, unemployment, health problems, stress, but that doesn't mean that depression is "okay" or doesn't need treatment. You may need to treat the causes AND the depression, before the depression destroys your relationships or kills you.

1. Do you find yourself making excuses not to get together with your friends?

2. Do you drink alone to make yourself feel better?

3. Do you often drink to put yourself to sleep?

4. Do you avoid people and social situations that you used to enjoy?

5. Do you find yourself getting angry or frustrated more easily?

6. Do you go shopping and spend money you shouldn't or can't afford to spend to make yourself feel better?

7. Are you gaining or losing weight without trying?

8. Are you taking less care of yourself physically, your health and appearance?

9. Are you engaging in more risky behaviors in order to make yourself feel something?

10. Do you feel less pleasure in activities you used to enjoy?

11. Do you have trouble becoming sexually aroused?

12. Are you tempted to try, or have you tried, illegal substances to try to make yourself happier?

13. Do you have trouble sleeping?

14. Do you have trouble concentrating?

15. Do you have road rage?

16. Do you drive recklessly?

17. Do you have reckless, unprotected sex?

18. Do you compulsively overwork to avoid dealing with other issues?

19. Do you try to isolate yourself from others?

20. Do you feel like lashing out violently against someone or something?

21. Are you exhausted much of the time?

22. Do you misuse prescription medications?

23. Do you have thoughts of killing yourself?

24. Do you have frequent headaches, stomach problems or other chronic pain?

25. Are you stressed out about your job?

26. Are you thinking about buying a gun, or have you recently bought one?

27. Do you feel inadequate?

28. Do you feel like a failure or believe you are worthless?

29. Do you think people, your family, your friends, would be better off without you?

30. Do you see no way out of your problems?

31. Do you feel that whatever you do, things are always going to go wrong for you?

32. Are you being honest with your answers to these questions, or trying to fudge the results?

33. Do you feel empty, unable to feel normal emotions?

34. Do you procrastinate and not get important things done?

35. Do you think about trying, or have you tried, illegal drugs in an effort to feel better, or to feel at all?

36. Does death seem like an escape from your problems or pain?

37. Are you moody and have emotions that are exaggerated, overreactions?

38. Are you lonely?

39. Do you often feel sad?

40. Do you often find yourself listening to angry or sad music?

41. Does music make you feel sad or cry?

42. Do you feel separated from those around you, unconnected emotionally?

43. Is it hard to motivate yourself to do anything?

44. Have you forgotten how to laugh and never feel like smiling?

45. Do you have recurring thoughts of death?

If you need more information on depression or suicide for yourself or someone else, there are helpful links on the main page of this blog.

New York Times Article "After Combat, Victims of an Inner War"

This is an excellent article in the August 1 New York Times, about soldiers who commit suicide, and the factors behind it. I know Leif would have found it significant, but with him as with some of those profiled in this article, pride and a belief they should be stoic and "take like a man" probably kept them from being honest enough about their problems to get the kind of help they needed.

"After Combat Victims of an Inner War"

Leif Fighting for the Right of Young Soldiers to Drink

Leif rarely wrote long emails or sent letters to politicians, but there were occasions when he was sufficiently aroused and incensed to do so. The day after his 29th birthday was one of those occasions when he was moved to send a long, passionate letter to Kansas Senator Brownback.

Anyone who knew Leif knows how much he enjoyed beer and Leif well knew how much his soldier comrades in arms enjoyed them, too. It was his passion about what they enjoyed, and what he felt was a demeaning injustice that moved him to write.

The photo of him with the beer stein was taken at a family gathering on July 29, 2004, exactly six months after he wrote this.
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From: "Leif Garretson"
Date: Thu Jan 29, 2004 23:56:07 US/Central
Subject: 18 old enough?

Dear Senator Brownback,

I am writing to you after years of stewing but have been driven by a moment of livid inspiration. I will admit that at the time I am writing this I am a bit intoxicated. However, that should have little bearing on the validity of my claim, a claim that has to do with the very right of certain Americans to enjoy such pleasures. I am Veteran. I served in the US Army infantry, 2nd batallion, 87th INF, out of Ft Drum New York. I spent time in Bosnia and the Middle East. I served my coutry with pride until I was medically retired for asthma in 2001. I still have several friends on active duty. Many of whom are being sent to Iraq.

Another important fact is that Yesterday was my 29th Birthday. This is significant in my mind because many people petition for laws or policies that affect them but few campaign for others. In this case I do campaign for others and I do so out of a matter of principal and justice not out of a desire for self gain.

So what has me writing to you tonight? Well, I was at my father's house tonight, who is also a 24 year veteran of the US ARMY and we were watching the Channel 11 News Hour with Jim Lehrer, or whatever it is. I am not sure. The point being that they displayed the Honor Roll of servicemen that died in Iraq today.

The first man listed, whose name I regrettably do not remember, yet who I Salute none the less, was 20 years old. This upset me and I will not equivocate when I say that I felt a flush of emotion that frankly pissed me off.

This was a MAN!! With a capital M. A service MAN!!! A MAN that volunteered to serve his country. A MAN that was sent to war by his president. A MAN that was old enough to VOTE for that president. A MAN that was considered old enough to carry an automatic weapon. A MAN that was entrusted with the lives of his fellow soldiers. A MAN that was trusted with thousands if not tens of thousands of dollars of equipment. Yet this MAN could not be trusted to have a beer at the local pub with his squad mates.

HOW WRONG IS THAT????

Our country considers him enough of a man to enlist. Enough of a man to fight for his country. Enough of a man to leave his loved ones behind at the will of our president. Enough of a man to carry a machinegun. Enough of a man to kill in the name of America. Enough of a man to DIE!!! in the name of America.!!!! Yet we do not consider him enough of a man to decide if he can have a drink? We trust him to decide if a living human being lives or dies in Iraq per the Rules of Engagement but we do not trust him to decide if he can have a Budweiser after work.

I am well of age to drink myself. This no longer affects me. But nevertheless I find this morally objectionable to think that MEN have died for this country that could not even have beer with their unit before they deployed. That there are men today that are lying wounded in VA hospitals that are not old enough to have a drink when they are released. But they were old enough to take a bullet for the good ole' USA.

I find it hypocritical and morally reprehensible for us to allow these men to go to war, to their deaths, for a country that claims they are not mature enough to buy themselves a beer when they are old enough to die to protect your freedom and mine. These MEN defend our freedoms to enjoy ourselves and the idea that these MEN should not enjoy the very freedoms that they purchase for us at the cost of their very lives is morally reprehensible.

Therefore I ask that you, Senator, propose a bill that would lower the drinking age to 18 years of age. If a Man or woman is old enough to go to war and to kill and die for this country, they certainly should be old enought to enjoy a drink before they do so. Those of us "of Age" that sit here safe in America can do so when we choose, thankful that we are not across an ocean sweating in the sand. Yet no small number of men over there defending our right to do so do not share that same right. And that, Dear Senator, is Wrong.

Thank You,

Leif Garretson