My Determined Little Boy

In the past week, I was treated to a photo of a beautiful one-year-old baby girl whose father, Leif's friend Phil, named her after him, using his middle name, Ashley. How can a year have gone by so quickly?

I often see photos of Leif's other namesake, who bears Leif's first name as his middle name, the son of Leif's friends Jason and Melissa. He is now two-and-a-half.

I wonder what Leif would think of these two beautiful children, how he would feel knowing his friends care so much about him. I wish he could see them grow and change, experience life anew, and hopefully happier, through their eyes.

I find myself wondering how Leif really felt throughout his childhood. He was so strong, so big for his age, from birth, and so self-contained, so curious about the world, so seemingly fearless, that we missed his vulnerability, and I don't think we knew of all the times he was hurt or unhappy.

There were a few times we did, when his frustration, fear or anger broke through, times when we saw his temper, times when he was moody, but they didn't seem, outwardly to be more than any child's ups and downs. But I wonder now, whether he didn't conceal a lot more than we could feel, know or guess.

The child we saw, especially as a young boy and teen, was eager for physical challenges, whether learning to walk early, loving to climb anything he could, playing soccer, throwing the discus and javelin in track, earning his black belt in judo, SCUBA diving, fighting in the SCA, and even joining the infantry. How hard it must have been for him to accept the physical limitations of the asthma he developed.

The child I remember was a curious and questing one with a big imagination. He loved science fiction, the stars, fast vehicles.

He was eager to learn, frustrated with the lack of challenge in school, had little use for academics.

This picture of him such an icon of him at that age. Look at the determined look on his little face, the stance of his baby legs, the skinned knee. He seems focused, knows where he's going. How I wish he had found a focus for his life as a young man!

He was a "I can do it myself" child, not wanting assistance with much of anything, and resisting it even when it was needed.

Like Peter W. says, you look at this picture and he looks so huggable, so precious. I miss that little boy, and I miss the man he became.

This photo was taken at Mint Spring Valley Park in Albemarle County, Virginia in August 1976. Leif was a year-and-a-half old.

Thoughts from a Friend - Melissa's Memories - A CyberPunk Drawing From Leif

In April, I invited Leif's friends and relatives to contribute to this blog, thoughts, memories, photos, whatever they wished. I was disappointed that only Melissa Palenske replied. I know everyone who knew and cared about Leif has memories, but I also know that most are not writers like me. Writing something like that requires some introspection, some effort, and perhaps, since Leif is dead, some pain. I know that for me, memories of Leif can bring a smile or they can bring tears. My request and the response reminds me of when I was doing family history research and asked my uncle and older cousins if they had any information. They would invariably say they didn't, unless I asked specific questions, and then the memories would begin to flow. Perhaps if I had the change to "interview" those who knew Leif and I was the one writing the memories down, they would flow. And perhaps, some of those memories are cherished private ones people don't want to share.

Here are Melissa's comments:

My best memories are when Alex and I were just talking one on one. I always thought you never saw the real Alex unless you were one on one with him. He was so much different to talk to, he would show his vulnerable and sensitive side. There was always such a gentle tenderness to him. I loved those talks and that time with him. He did give great hugs and was a wonderful shoulder to cry on. I wish things had been different and we could have been there for him more.

My other memories are silly little things spanning back from the first time Jason took me to the apartment on Stag Hill to meet Alex and Nikko. The very first time I played an RPG was Cyberpunk with Alex, Nikko and Jason. I left honestly thinking they were all insane and needed to get a grip on reality. LOL It took Jason a while to convince me to try and play again, I didn't play with Alex again until he came back from the Army. By that time I had been playing for a few years and had a clue. I know at times I would frustrate the boys because I wasn't as serious about it as they were but I also made them laugh at the crap I would come up with. We had alot of fun gaming sessions.

Those gaming sessions meant a great deal to Leif. They were a challenging creative outlet for him. He appreciated Melissa's friendship, too.

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As far as I know, Leif had done little if any drawing after he lived in Hawaii, until he was eleven years old. His interests turned to radio controlled model cars, computers, other things. He started drawing again when he was playing CyberPunk and wanted to show his ideas. I think he found it hard as when he was younger, he never drew people, always things like space ships, guns, and other objects that didn't require faces and anatomy. Even with CyberPunk he primarily drew space ships and weaponry, but he did attempt a few humanoid characters. I remember him talking to me about this one an the anatomy it would require. He showed me this drawing. What I can't remember was whether he drew this during his first stint in college, in which case this probably was done around 1998, or after he came back from the army, in which case it would have been between 2001 and 2005. I tend to think it was the latter, or he might not have still had it among his possessions.

Leif's Memorial Service at St. Petersburg Unitarian Universalist Church - April 29, 2008 - "My Friend, My Brother, Is Gone" - Jason Palenske (Video))

One of Leif's long-time best friends was Jason Palenske who came from Manhattan, Kansas to be with us for Leif's memorial services. Leif and Jason met in their senior year of high school. They shared many interests, Cyberpunk gaming, role-playing game development, Society for Creative Anachronism, motorcycles, and more. Jason refers to growing apart. It happens to so many of our friendships. Jason was married and had children, while Leif was divorced and alone. A married man has so many responsibilities and so little time. But there was always friendship and affection there. We were very touched that Jason came to be with us and gave his son Brayden, born March 4th, the middle name Leif.

Jason wrote a part of the remarks he read at the memorial service on his MySpace page on April 14. I found them meaningfl and touching and I asked him to read them at Leif's service. Jason did that for me, for us, and added to them. I have been profoundly grateful for the continuing contact with Jason and his wife, Melissa, who gave us the beautiful flag case for Leif's military honors flag.
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"My Friend, My Brother, Is Gone" by Jason Palenske

I was trying to make it through the day...

Not understanding why, not knowing what I could have done to make things better, not knowing how I could have helped...

Then for a moment I saw you again, saw you riding the wheels of a stranger, but then your hand reached out...

I wanted to follow, I wanted to turn around and ride, ride until there was no where else to go. I can't follow you this time, you're riding somewhere I can't go yet...not yet.

My dad once said a person is lucky to have 5 true friends in their life, and as you drove me to his funeral I told you you were one of mine. I made mistakes though, I made one of the worst mistakes a friend can make. I went down the wrong road and didn't make sure you were there. I didn't make sure that we didn't drift farther and farther apart.

I took the wrong road and now I can never get back...

I want to be able to call, I want to say "Why aren't you here?", I want to here the surprise and then that mocking tone "I am here, but where are you, I'll be there in a minute."

I am here my friend, I am here...it'll be awhile before I get there though. I've got things to finish here first, then, then I can be there. So be patient my friend, my brother, be patient. I'll be there soon enough, it just may take awhile.


My brother is gone and I can't fill the void that he left...not yet, not yet.

April 29, 2008 - Military Honors Ceremony - Folding and Presenting the Flag and Ceremonial Shell Casings

At the committal shelter, the honor guard had first placed the folded flag on the platform against Leif's urn and saluting before offering us the opportunity to participate. After we did, they performed a rifle salute, firing three guns, and a bugler played taps. I will post those photos tomorrow because they seem to go fittingly with the end of the ceremony.

Then they unfolded the flag and did the folding ceremony and passed the flag to Peter Anthony, who gave it to me with the words they had told him to use, "This flag is presented to you with the thanks of a grateful nation for the service of your son. May he rest in peace." I don't know how hard it was for him to do that, but he did it beautifully. I was crying.

What I didn't expect was what came next. One of the honor guard soldiers came and leaned over to me and put three ceremonial shell casings into my hand and said, "These represent duty, honor, country." He closed my hand over them and saluted.

The flag and the shell casings are now in the beautiful flag case that Melissa Palenske gave us, with the engraved plate she made for it. I posted photos of it earlier.
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This honor guard is one of many in the USA. They are all trained to exacting standards and use the same ceremony as the one at Arlington National Cemetery. They travel to many place, serving several counties. They are professional and caring. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do so many of these ceremonies, day after day, for grieving families. Many thanks to Sgt. Paul and his honor guard unit for doing this duty for us.

Remembering a Year Ago

Last year at this time, I was frantically trying to scan all the photos for a slide show of Leif's life to be shown in the evening after his memorial services. Those photos and many more are finding their way into this blog.

I was racing to have all the details ready for the two memorial services, the house in order for family and friends. Peter Anthony, Darlene and Marcus were already here. I was dealing with Leif's financial mess, still notifying people and companies about his death, trying to sell his belongings and clean out his apartment. It was a whirlwind of activity overlaid on alternating waves of sadness and numbness.

I was glad I had found the two places I wanted for the memorial services, Bay Pines National Cemetery in St. Petersburg for the military service and inurnment, and the St. Petersburg Unitarian Universalist Church for the celebration of life ceremony. I wanted both of them to be right, to be real remembrances of Leif and his life.

I didn't want some sterile religious ceremony that relied on scriptures that would have been meaningless to him. I knew it would be almost unbearably hard to do, but I asked family members and friends if they wanted to be a part of the services, and they responded. I wrote a short piece including "Sea Fever," the Masefield poem Leif loved, for the military service, and "Farewell to My Gentle Giant" for the church service. I posted those last year. Peter W. wrote something short for each of them, including poems he found meaningful. Neither of us was sure we could control our emotions enough to get through them, but we resolved to try.

Peter Anthony wrote an insightful and poignant talk for the church service, "Who Was My Brother?" Leif's friend Jason agreed to read what he had written on Leif's MySpace page when he found out about his death. Darlene offered to read the Twenty Third Psalm, and Marcus prepared a reading and candle-lighting, with the candle he and Darlene made.

All the activity and planning gave me focus, something that had to be done, and that kept me from collapsing into depression. Work is great therapy, even if the effects aren't lasting.

It seems incomprehensible to me that it has already been a year since his death. It still feels as though he should be walking through my door. And yet, the forwarding order for his mail is about to run out and little comes. Email no longer comes to his email accounts. Fewer and fewer people visit his Facebook and MySpace pages.

There is a fairly consistent number coming to this blog every day. I don't know if they are all readers or whether many are chance hits on keywords, but I am glad people are finding it. So far, though, no one has sent me any memories to include. I'm on my own here. Melissa said she wants me to continue writing it. I want to, but how long can I find something new and different to say? How many more photos can I find that aren't essentially part of a series that are similar? I want to keep it meaningful. Leif deserves that.

I didn't expect that the anniversary of the memorial services would also be as meaningful and sad to me as the day Leif died and the day we found him. I suppose I should have known that the day we gathered to commemorate his death would be that significant for me. The first anniversary of it is in days, and that will be another milestone passed, another sign of how long he has been gone from us.

Every photo I post is a reminder of the life that meant so much to me. Every photo makes me want him back. Every photo makes me thankful I had him.

Why couldn't life have been kind to him?

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The photo above was taken in front of our quarters at the Sagamihara Family Housing Area in Japan, as he was coming home from school. He had his gym bag of stuff and instead of carrying it the usual way, he hung it on his head like that. It was taken in May 1983 when he was 8 years old.Sea

A New Life - A New Leif

Two days ago, on March 4th, Leif's friends Jason and Melissa became the parents of a new little boy. I was touched to tears because they gave him the middle name Leif. My Leif is gone and left no children, but now there is a new little boy that carries his name into the future. It is a very sweet honor and means a lot to me, more than I can say.

I wish little Braydon Leif a life in a loving family, a future of health and hope, the warmth of friendship, the joy of accomplishment. I hope that only the good and fine things of his middle namesake will be remembered and carried on, the strength and intelligence, and that none of the sadness will touch his days.

I will watch his development with interest, as I watch the development of my grandchildren and great nieces and nephews. It is good that new life brings hope and joy, gentle smiles, laughter, and yes, even tears.

Leif Garretson - Military Honors Flag Case

This beautiful flag case was sent to us by Leif's friend, Melissa Palenske. It holds the full size casket flag that was folded by the Honor Guard at Leif's inurnment service at Bay Pines National Cemetery on April 29th, and his military insignia. Melissa is an engraver and she personally made the engraved plate on the middle of the bottom of the case. The inscription reads:

In Memory of
Leif A. Garretson
1975 - 2008
Served His Country With Honor
1998 - 2001

The flag was presented to me at the ceremony by Leif's brother, LTC Peter A. Garretson, U.S. Air Force.

His father, LTC Peter W. Garretson, U.S. Army, Retired, put together the insignia in the lower shadowbox part of the case.

It is a beautiful memorial for Leif, and we are glad to have it at home with us.

The Last Touch - The Last Goodbye

I don't think there is ever really a last goodbye. We all keep Leif in our memories, and there will never be a goodbye that is final, but this photo was the last time I could touch his urn. I know he wasn't there, just his ashes, but it's all we had left of the physical presence of our son.

I don't want to post photos of the military honors service or the memorial service because I don't post photos of other people without their permission, and grief is very personal. I also don't want this blog to be just about Leif's death and last services, but about the life he had and our memories of him, but it's impossible not to acknowledge that there was a day of services to honor his passing.

On April 29, 2008, Leif was inurned at the Bay Pines National Cemetery with full military honors, and a memorial service was held at the St. Petersburg Unitarian Universalist Church.

One photo is of me touching his urn before they sealed the niche at the cemetery.

The other is the table at the front of the church where his memorial service was held. The beautiful leis and ti leaves were sent by dear friends in Hawaii. The composite of photos of his life was made by Leif's sister-in-law, Darlene. The stand to hold the photo was made by his friend, Michael. The infantryman plaque was made by his father, and the triangle-folded flag is the one given to me at the military ceremony. We have it in a beautiful flag case sent to us by his friend Melissa, and we will add his military insignia and awards to it. The wooden box used as his urn was decorated with military insignia by his father. If he has a photo of it that doesn't include any person, I will post it later.

The circle stand on the table is the Unitarian Universalist flaming chalice, which is lighted at the beginning of services and extinguished at the end.

We are grateful to our family and friends, Leif's friends, and our wonderful neighbors for their help, love and support through these hard times.