Leif on His Suzuki - Nine Years Ago

Here's a photo I found on Leif's computer. I think it must have been taken by Donna where they lived in Tampa, on September 5, 2006. He was putting on weight, but look at that proud posture. He loved that crotch rocket. Unfortunately, in yet another of his series of bad luck incidents, it was stolen right out of the parking lot.

He rode that thing like he was on a racetrack, admittedly over 100 mph at times. It's a wonder he never had an accident at high speed and really wrecked himself or someone else. The irony was, the accident in which he really got hurt and ended up in the hospital happened a low speed in Tampa going back to work.

Lately we are hearing about all the damage that concussions cause, from IEDs to football, and I can't help but wonder whether that, too, influenced the end of Leif's life. I don't know what kind of micro concussions he may have had due to what he experienced in the army, but I do know that when he had that motorcycle accident in July 2007, his head hit the pavement without a helmet on it, and it was an ugly example of "road rash," as were his hands, as he wasn't wearing motorcycle gloves, either, at the time.

He loved riding his cycles. This was the second of three he owned. The first was a yellow and magenta Yamaha sport bike. The third was a silver chrome Honda, which was a more comfortable ride like a cruiser. I think he felt happier and more alive when he was riding than just about any other time.

A year and seven months after this photo was taken, he would be dead. So many awful things happened in that time; two robberies, his bike accident and surgery, domestic violence against him, financial calamity. It was a heavy load on top of all he had already experienced, but now I am wondering whether he could have handled it differently without the head injuries.

Leif's Twenty-Third Home - Tampa, Florida - October 2006 to June 2007

When Leif and Donna first moved from the apartment on East Sligh to the two bedroom apartment on Del Prado in a different apartment complex, they were ecstatic. They had far more space and it was a nicer place. Leif also was smart to get a second floor apartment, which was harder to burglarize. They lived in the apartment on the right side on the second floor of this building.

With the insurance money he got from the burglary, he purchased some new furniture, including a dinette set, which they had never had before, and replacement computers, but he also replaced his guns. We had tried to talk him into saving some of the money for emergency expenses, but he claimed that he had bills to pay and needed to replace his guns. I knew that Leif loved firearms and would buy some, and he felt he needed some for protection, but he certainly didn't need all he bought. It was one of many financial mistakes he made.

At first, he seemed happier there, but things started to go wrong all to soon. He had to switch jobs due to the restructuring of the pay plan at Alltel as he felt he couldn't live on the new wage scale, and Donna lost jobs, so they were without her income. Their relationship was getting rockier, too. You can see in the photos that he was becoming depressed and gaining weight. The earlier photos are the lower two, taken January 7, 2007. The top photo was taken just four months later. By May, he was having a lot of financial difficulties and although he didn't tell me that, I got the feeling that he was pulling away from his relationship with Donna. He decided to downsize by moving into a one bedroom apartment in the same apartment complex.

Aside from the job, financial and personal problems he was experiencing, he was hit with another theft, a big one. In May, his prize Suzuki motorcycle was stolen right out of the parking lot in front of his apartment. He bucked up and put on a a stoic front as usual, but he seemed down and laconic. He again got his insurance money and purchased the used Honda touring cycle, so at least he didn't have to take on another loan and he still had a cycle to ride.
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The photos are:
1. Leif May 13, 2007
2. Leif January 7, 2007
3. Leif January 7, 2007
4. Riverview apartment building on Del Prado where Leif lived in apartment 201.

Disney World "Lights, Motors, Action: Extreme Stunt Show

We saw the "Lights, Motors, Action: Extreme Stunt Show" at Disney World Hollywood Studios yesterday and had seen it last month when we were in Orlando. It immediately struck me as something Leif would not only have loved, but he would have loved to be IN it. Fast cars sliding around and burning rubber, accelerating fast and doing maneuvers that required tremendous driving skills, fast motorcycles doing the same, and jet skis, too. Combine that with explosives, guns (t was the making of a spy movie in a village in southern France), fire and fireworks and it couldn't have been more quintessentially something Leif would have appreciated. He would have been asking where he could apply for job. Finding out that the stripped down interiors of the cars contained a motorcycle engine would have excited him. He was fond of pointing out that no car could accelerate like a bike. As Peter A. said, the only thing missing was a redhead. I wish he had been there to watch it with us!

The photo of Leif on his super fast Suzuki motorcycle was taken in Sun City Center, Florida on November 7, 2005 and the photo of him behind the week of his silver RX-8 was taken in the same location on January 4, 2006. He was almost 31 years old.

Leif & His Motorcycles - Kansas to Florida - May 2003 to November 2007 - Ages 28-32

Leif owned three motorcycles. The first one was the maroon and yellow Yamaha that he purchased in Manhattan, Kansas, moved to Fort Drum, New York when he was stationed there in the Army, then back to Kansas from 2001-2005 and then to Florida. It was that one he had the accident with at Fort Riley, sliding out on gravel when coming down a winding road from Custer Hill.

In the summer of 2005 in Florida, he was living at our house with his dad and spending his earnings from Amscot on dating, booze and a new motorcycle, the yellow Suzuki he's riding here. This was one fast crotch rocket and he loved it.

After he moved to Tampa, the Suzuki was stolen from his apartment house parking lot one night and with the insurance money, he bought a used Honda touring cycle. This was a very different kind of bike. I was surprised he made that choice, and I think he was, too. He said riding in the position required for the crotch rockets was hard on his back and knees, not comfortable for longer rides. He liked the position on the Honda but maintained he was "safer" on the Suzuki because its speed allowed him to avoid accidents. So he said. He refused to consider that speed might be dangerous. He was supremely confident in his riding ability. I told him it wasn't his skills that worried me . . . it was the other drivers on the road, and that turned out to be the problem when he was cut off by the white Cadillac not a mile from his house, when he wasn't even going over 45.

Leif took a lot of photos of his possessions, especially his cars and bikes. He took the photos of the Yamaha and the Honda that I'm posting here. He also took the photo of himself looking into the Honda bike's mirror. That one was taken on November 21, 2007, just a couple of weeks after he sent me a very depressed email about how life held no meaning. He was a very depressed and unhappy man at that point. Ironically, I took the photo of him on the Suzuki on November 7, 2005, two years earlier, when he was still hopeful. The Yamaha photo he took May 5, 2003.

It's hard to imagine Leif without a motorcycle, even though I didn't want him to have one and pleaded with him not to ride after his accident in July 2007. It was sad, though, to think of his joy being taken away, no matter how much I worried. Here is a bit of our text messaging about it, but only his side as mine were not recorded.

July 14, 2007 at 5:54 PM Leif Garretson wrote,

"July is not a good month for me. Crashed bikes twice in July. Had house robbed in July. Probably other bad stuff, too. July is like a country song. 'I crashed my bike. I crashed my other bike. My house got robbed and my best friend's wife died.6 And the car breaks down.' "Next year I am going to stock up on movies, food and beer and not leave the house."

Sadly, he didn't live long enough to see another July.

July 18, 2007 at 4:28 PM Leif Garretson wrote,

"Saw bike. Barely scratched. Just looked up FL DOT stats on helmet use. In 2005 riders wearing helmets were 22% more likely to be killed than riders without them. (You mean INFJ. I am INTJ.) 8,147 bike crashes vs 268,605 total auto accidents. 441 bike fatalities or about 5%. 3533 total auto fatalities or about 1.3%. Bikes more dangerous but . . . not by an enormous margin. And that includes all the young stupid trickster and street racers out getting themselves killed."

8:25 PM,

"Well, I certainly see your perspective. I would give you mine but I am sure that would be pointless as anyone who rides will tell you if you don't do it, you don't get it."

8:59 PM,

"There is more guilt than that? Seems rather abundant already. However, you should know I am immune to guilt. Always have been. Guilt doesn't factor into my thought processes. Only logic. Logically, I know I will not be happy if I am not riding. Logically I know you will not be if I am. All that remains is deciding which of two undesirable and diametrically opposed options is the most acceptable. I am really sorry to upset you, mom. I don't mean to. I really don't get upset. I really am the cold, unfeeling bastard I am accused of being. If I decide to stop riding it will not be because I feel any certain way but rather because I rationally decided that it was the most just and logical course of action. Weighing my strong desire to ride vs your strong fears. I don't share those fears. I honestly don't experience fear. I weighed the risk vs reward and accepted the risks years ago. In that regard nothing has changed. All that has changed is that continuing what I have been doing will cause you pain. My decision is now simply one of compassion vs desire. Whose desires do I put first, yours or mine? I have not decided. I have not decided if I am willing to sacrifice one of the things that makes my life worth living to save someone I love worry. Were it up to me I would keep riding until I am physically unable. I know people that have lost legs and still ride with prostheses. I haven't decided anything just yet. I figured if the bike was totaled I would not replace it but it's barely damaged. From my perspective you are overreacting. It is understandable but to me this was a minor mishap and just a further reinforcement against my fears. I see this totally different than you. I see 3 accidents and none of them even required hospitalization. I see statistics which show that after 6 months of riding in the saddle of a new bike the odds of an accident are very slim and the odds of serious injury or death much slimmer. I could quit riding and get killed in my car. I am never as happy at any point of the day. Never feel so alive and free and content as when I ride. There is not part of me that wants to give it up. If I were to do so it would be a sacrifice on my part to make you happy. So guess what, the guilt goes both ways. So who gets to sacrifice? One way or the other, one of us is going to have to accept something undesirable to accommodate the other. How does one decide which sacrifice is most in the interest of justice?"

9:36 PM,

"I am not sure that is a fair comparison. Maybe it is, but I don't think riding is as universally destructive as other addictions. It's risky but no form of gambling has odds as GOOD as riding does. Again, it's about risk vs reward. If I am willing to risk death riding, do you realistically think financial ruin or bankruptcy would deter me? Hell, I have faced that danger since I moved out. I face it every day whether I ride or not, so losing money or being poor is no deterrent at all. Been there, done that. Got the bank charges to prove it. I don't fear death and I don't fear life."

There is a lot of bravado and male pride in those messages, and I think he believed them, but in the end, something put him over the edge, and the slide began with the accident, continued through a lonely fall, and reached a tipping point when he had no financial options left, though we didn't know it. He would not tell us.

On April 2, 2008, just a week before he died, he sent the last text messages to me that I recorded (he sent email through April 8th). He still cared enough about the life of a turtle to stop his bike on his way to work and save it's life. He sent:

"I rescued a turtle today. "
Sent on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:12:08 PM

"Where was it?"
Received on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:12:44 PM

"In the road by my work"
Sent on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:13:08 PM

"What turtle habitat is near there?"
Recevied on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:14:02 PM

"I Dunno but it was a pretty big turtle"
Sent on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:21:30 PM

"How big?"
Received on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:23:36 PM

"Shell like a dinner plate. Maybe ten inches long and five thick"
Sent on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:25:01 PM

"Looked like a walking speed bump"
Sent on Wednesday, Apr 2 2008 at 4:25:47 PM

He saved a turtle, but he didn't save himself. I miss him so!