Nearing 10,000 visits

Yes! Today the counter stands at 9,990. With ten visits today, this blog will have had 10,000 visits since May 15, 2008.

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This photo was taken of Leif on a miniature sort of bumper car at the Bon Odori festival at Camp Zama, Japan on August 8, 1981. He was six years old, and boy, did he enjoy that ride! POWER under his own control, I think for the first time, even though it didn't go fast.

Always Chasing Rainbows?

Another song we sang at the concert on Sunday was "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows."

This one wasn't one we rehearsed to perform, but a sing-along with the audience. I didn't even know we were going to sing it until three days before because I'd been gone to South America for three weeks. Here again, the words tripped me up.

I'm always chasing rainbows,
Watching clouds drifting by,
My dreams are just like all my schemes,
Ending in the sky.

Some fellows look and find the sunshine,
I always look and find the rain.
Some fellows make a winning sometime,
I never even make a gain, believe me,
I'm always chasing rainbows,
I'm watching for a little bluebird in vain.

Was Leif always chasing rainbows? In a way, I guess you could say that. He was chasing love and I know he had other dreams, at least until the end. He had schemes, and the always hoped things would work out, until the end. When did he stop hoping? I'll never know. When did he believe that "I never even make a gain"? It must have seemed that way to him the way his adult life seemed to go.

The photo was his kindergarten school portrait. To me he looks kind of scared and sad in this picture. It was never one I liked. Now I see the vulnerability there, the uncertainty. He may have always had it and learned to hide it well with his bravado and size.

Tonight there was a beautiful full moon. I thought of him again, about his love of the stars and science fiction, and his love of technology and gadgets, of his need for real love . . .

of the rainbows he chased, of the gains that never came his way.

Why does fortune favor some and not others?
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Photo of Leif was taken in the fall of 1980 at Camp Zama, Japan when he was 5 years old.

No Matter How Your Heart Is Grieving

Sunday I sang in the Women's Chorus Spring Concert. I had been rehearsing the songs since January and although I had thought about the lyrics of some of them with a bit of sadness, I didn't expect any emotional reactions during the concert even though I often have strong emotional reactions to music. I was unprepared.

The first song we sang was a medley of "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes" and "Once Upon a Dream" from Disney's "Sleeping Beauty." I knew the second one would make me think of Peter A. when he was in middle school and chose that as the solo he would sing in their chorus's spring concert, and I knew that would make me nostalgic. I also knew that these words from the first song would be sad ones for me:

"No matter how your heart is grieving,
if you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true."

It's a pretty song and a beautiful thought, but hardly true.

We started singing and I immediately got choked up with tears in my eyes and had all I could do to keep from crying. In that setting, with the sound so good and the responsive audience, the words hit me as they had not during rehearsals. I realized what they meant and how my wish would never come true no matter how I wished, and the even believing would not help or bring Leif back to me.

It's like that with grief. You never know when it's going to crawl out of whatever hole you have managed to corner it in. You never know when it's going to take over your emotions and you have to fight to keep it down.

There I was, in front of several hundred people, trying to keep the tears from falling and look like I was singing. I did manage to get control of myself, even though the "Once Upon a Dream" sequence turned out to be far more nostalgic than I had expected, and I found myself sad that I could never get Peter A's childhood back, either, though that, at least, is a normal part of life . . . to have one's son grow up.

Sometimes I think of playing music, but I rarely do. So much of the music I like evokes too much emotion.

In just 12 days it will be two years since we found Leif dead. How can it be? How can that time have passed? It's like yesterday that he was here having dinner with us, two years ago on Easter Sunday.
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The photo of Leif was taken at Kodomo no Kuni, a woods and playground near Camp Zama, Japan, in February 1981. He was six years old.

Leif Playing Soccer - Japan & Hawaii - Ages 6-11

Leif started playing soccer at Camp Zama in Japan when he was only five or six years old. He was really good at it, especially playing goalie or fullback. Even that young it was amazing how far he could boot the ball, and unlike some kids, he wasn't scared when other kids rushed at him in the goalie box.

He played every year through his freshman year of high school. What I can't believe is that with all the photos we have I can't find any from the four years he played in the Chicago area, first with leagues and then on the freshman team at HighLand Park High School. I looked and looked. I even remember having the camera with me at games, and in Highland Park, many of those games were played in cold, damp or soaking wet nasty weather. I remember one game where the field had a couple of inches of icy water on it, with actual ice floating in it, and those kids still played!

He got an award for his play on the freshman team at Highland Park High School in Illinois. I remember at one game I was awed when he kicked a ball literally down the entire field over the heads of both teams, to one of his forwards way up there by the opposing team's goal. This teammate scored.

These photos span a five year period. The bottom one shows Leif in the black goalie shirt at Camp Zama, Japan in March 1981, when he was six years old. Above that are two taken in the fall of 1982 when he was seven-and-a-half, and the top two are from February 1986 in Honolulu, Hawaii when he was eleven years old.

Leif loved playing soccer and probably would have played on his high school varsity team and perhaps in college if we hadn't moved to Puerto Rico. We got there in August and the Antilles High School team was already practicing for the fall season. Leif went to try out for the team but the shock of coming from a chilly northern climate to weather that was 96 degrees and about 98% humidity. The coach had them running for miles without any chances to cool down or drink anything and Leif was an danger of heat exhaustion. He was coming home about to drop and I was worried about him. The coach refused to make any allowances for his change in climate so that he could adjust, or let the boys stop for a drink. The final blow came when Leif's soccer shoe sole came partially off during a run and he twisted his ankle so that he couldn't run for awhile. He was so discouraged and so upset with the coach that he quit the team. I was so sorry to see that happen, losing a sport he had enjoyed from 1980 to 1990, for ten years. I know he missed it. He went to the games and I could see that he longed to be on the field with his friends, especially Lenny.

Leif Playing T-Ball - Camp Zama, Japan - May-June 1982 - Age 7

Leif was a very active child. From the time he was very small he went on hikes with us, climbed trees and every kind of playground equipment, rode a tricycle an then a bike. His first "organized" sport was t-ball which he played for one spring at Camp Zama, Japan, when he was seven years old. Baseball of any kind never caught his fancy and if my memory is correct, although he was good at connecting with the ball and sending it flying, he had no interest in signing up for it again. I think it just wasn't active enough for him. Too much sitting in the dugout waiting. Too much standing around on the field waiting.

These photos show him in action and in the dugout watching the action. He was the tallest boy on his team, as usual, and probably the strongest as well.

Leif on Fire Engine - Camp Zama, Japan - May 1981 - Age 6

Living in the army military community at Camp Zama and Sagamihara in Japan was like living in a small 1950s town in many ways, except that outside the gates life was Japanese, and you couldn't mistake it for the 50s when you saw all the electronic gadgetry.

One of the small town celebrations was on Armed Forces Day in May. There were all kinds of displays in the Camp Zama park, and one of them was a fire engine. The kids got to climb on it, get into the driver's seat, and generally enjoy exploring the big vehicle. Naturally, Leif was captivated. It was at the same Armed Forces Day celebration when he got to sit in a helicopter (photos posted earlier) and have fun at the park.

He's kind of hard to see in this small photo, but he's there standing by the door, just a bit over six years old at the time.

Japan was a good time for our family. I have very fond memories of those three years.

Leif - Kodomo no Mori, Zama, Japan - February 1981 - Age 6

Not far from the Camp Zama, Japan base was a park in the woods called Kodomo no Mori, which loosely translates as "children's woods." It had all kinds of interesting things to climb on, made from such things as large logs and huge ropes. There were trails and a maze to go through, too.

On a mild day in February 1981, when Leif was six years old, we went there for the afternoon and had a great time. It was the perfect place for Leif, who loved to climb. It was also a place to wear your "play clothes," because it was also a great place to get dirty.

We all had fun there, as we did so many places in Japan.

Leif in Chopper - May 1981 - Japan - Age 6

Living on base in Japan was in some ways similar to living in a small town in the 1950s. We had little league baseball, soccer, Scouts, American schools, lots of family activities, and the base was small enough that we rarely went anywhere without meeting someone we knew.

Like all US military bases, we celebrated Armed Forces Day in May, and there were picnics, displays, ceremonies, and best of all, from my sons' point of view, the opportunity to climb on, in, and over military vehicles and equipment. Leif was thrilled to have the chance to get into this helicopter and put on a real pilot's helmet, complete with radio communication. How he would have loved to have been a pilot!

That was his real ambition, undoubtedly fostered by moves such as "Star Wars" and the chances to fly in airplanes and helicopters from a young age. Unfortunately, his hopes to do that were dashed when he found out in junior high school that he needed to wear glasses and his eyes would not pass the flight physical. He never found another real career ambition to replace that dream.

But here, at Camp Zama, Japan, he could still dream, still be thrilled at the chance to be in a real chopper. It was so much fun for us to see him do it.

Here he is, probably pretending it's his bird to fly.