"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

 Saturday we went to the German American Club Christmas tree lighting ceremony at our community Atrium building. We've done this every years since moving to Florida, but in the years since Leif died, until this year (our fourth without him with us for Christmas), I have not been able to sing the carols without crying. This was the first year I got through all but one without tears.

Today I sang in the Women's Chorus Christmas Concert, and in our two concerts a year, I've gotten choked up by a couple of songs in each one. I thought I was going to make it through today's concert without that happening, as I hadn't experienced any difficulty with the songs during rehearsals.

But I got surprised by the audience sing-along, which the chorus sings "along" with, too, and by a song I never would have suspected to have such an effect on me.

It was "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

I was glad it was a sing-along and no one would be noticing me, but at least I didn't burst into tears. Just couldn't sing for awhile.

I tried to think of why. I don't associate that song with Leif in any way. It wasn't something we sang in our house. I never heard him sing it.

I think it was the association with Peter W. playing Santa with our boys. It wasn't just Leif; it was Peter A. and our family, and the boys being young, and Christmases together. I missed all those things overwhelmingly.

I DID kiss "Santa Claus."

I've posted these photos before, but not in this context. I could kiss that Santa again, and I wish those little boys were with me again.

The first one was taken in Ansbach in 1978 when Leif was not quite four. He never suspected "Santa" was his dad. That Santa suit had a really nice beard with it.

The bottom one was taken in Kansas in 1975 when he was not quite one year old. The Santa suit Peter W. borrowed didn't have a beard or hair, so he tried to make them out of cotton batting. It looked really funny but the kids believe in him anyway and never suspected it was their daddy.

Leif - Christmases 1979 & 1980 - From Germany to Japan - Ages Almost 5 & 6

Sometimes it amazes me that with all the times we have moved, I can still find all these photos . . . and then again, I find these holes where I think photos should be. I found the album for 1979 but there are very few Christmas photos in it, and I wonder where the others went. Surely we would have had more than one photo of Leif during the 1979 Christmas holidays, but there aren't more of the rest of us, either.

In 1979, we were still living in Sachsen bei Ansbach, and it seems he had come to terms a little bit better with Santa. Or maybe it's because he wasn't expected to sit on Santa's lap or give him a hug. This photo was taken at the JAG Office Christmas Party in Ansbach, but this time, someone else in the office was playing Santa. Our boys still didn't have a clue that Santa was played by anyone, much less by their own dad the previous year.

The summer of 1980, we moved from Germany to Japan, stopping in the USA in Kansas for a family reunion with Jerri's family in July 1980, then visiting Peter W.'s mother in California, and even stopping for a vacation in Hawaii on the way. It was a long, half-way-around-the-world journey in stages, quite an adventure for all of us.

The black-and-white photo of Leif and Peter Anthony shows some exuberant children. If I had time, I'd try to go back and figure out what they got for Christmas. These are some of my favorite Christmas photos because of all the hugging, with Leif actually participating. He was such a beautiful five-year-old, soon to be six!

Leif's Fourth Christmas 1978 - Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany - Age almost 4

During the summer of 1978 we moved from Fuerth, Germany to a village about 45 minutes drive away, Sachsen bei Ansbach. Ansbach was the nearest city. Peter W. found a house that was being completed to rent by a man who lived in the village, named Hans Volland. He went by the nickname Hanni.

This was a great house, with a lot of space and special features, on a hill where an orchard had once been. We had a nice yard, 2 apple and 8 plum trees, and a woods nearby. That's where Leif started going to the German Kindergarten and Peter A. started at the local school.

By the time Christmas came, both boys were completely fluent in German and sounded just like any other kid in the village.

There was a family Christmas party at the JAG Office in Ansbach, where Peter worked. He was asked to play Santa Claus, and he did, giving out gifts to all the kids. We were a little dubious about whether our boys would realize who Santa really was. We needn't have worried. I guess they were still believers and couldn't imagine that it was their dad in that suit.

The photo of Leif on "Santa's" lap is actually him on Peter W.'s lap. Leif wasn't yet quite four years old, so it's less startling that he didn't know it was his father, but Peter A. was 10, and he didn't get it either. We had a hard time keeping a straight face. From Leif's body language, it appears that he still wasn't really comfortable getting close to a guy that looked like Santa Claus!

The two photos of Leif in the sweater were taken in our living room at the house in Sachsen on Christmas Eve, and the one of my three guys was taken on Christmas morning. They are wearing caftans I made for them.

Christmas seemed simpler then and gifts were less expensive, at least the ones we gave. And, I made many of the gifts I gave in those days.

Leif's Third Christmas 1977 - Furth, Germany - Almost 3 years old

After our year in Charlottesville, Virginia, we were stationed in Fuerth, Germany, right next to Nurnberg, and Peter W. was the Officer in Charge of the U.S. Army's Nurnberg Law Center. We lived in an army housing area that no longer exists, in a first floor apartment. The building had three floors and there were six apartments in our stairwell. There was a very large area behind the building, surrounded by other apartment buildings like ours, that was the kids' playground.

Leif's best friend was a girl named Katie who lived in the next building. She had one blind eye because her brother had accidentally shot one of her eyes with a BB from an air gun.

Leif was two-and-a-half the summer we moved to Furth, and we lived there just one year. He attended the Happy Time Montessori Preschool.

That year, one of the organizations offered a service on St. Nikolaus Day, December 6th, where St. Nikolaus would come to one's home and visit the kids. I believe they requested a donation for a service organization. We decided that would be fun for the boys.

The evening of December 6th, the doorbell rang and there was St. Nikolaus, dressed like the German Nikolaus, not like the bearded American Santa, but similar enough that any kid should have known who it was. However, as I said in my earlier post, a lot of young children are scared of Santa, and Leif turned out to be one of them. He took one look at St. Nick and ran screaming to a big upholstered chair in the living room and tried to hide.

St. Nick tried to talk with him but Leif wasn't responding well. We tried talking to Leif and encouraging him to be friendly. Nothing doing. He was crying. Peter A. showing brotherly concern and trying to let Leif see that St. Nick wasn't hurting him any, but that didn't help either.

St. Nick didn't give up. He finally got down on the floor, so he was at Leif's height in the chair, and talked to him. Eventually, he got Leif to turn around and give him a hug. That's what you see in the photo above.

St. Nick was played by an army sergeant, and I no longer remember his name, but I do know that he had kids of his own and he was really good with Leif. Leif never told us why he was so frightened of him.

The other photo is of Leif playing with some of his Christmas toys on Christmas Eve, on the rug in the living room of of quarters there. So many of our Christmases were just the four of us, like this one, but we had a good time and a lot of love.

Leif's First Christmas 1975 - Manhattan, Kansas - 11 Months

Leif was a precious 11 month old on his first Christmas. We were living in the old stone house in Manhattan, Kansas and Peter Anthony was just turning seven.

Christmas is magical for kids, but also bewildering. All of a sudden there are so many new things, a Christmas tree all decorated with lovely bright lights and pretty, shiny (often breakable) objects, a Nativity scene, presents wrapped under the tree (no baby knows what they are for), new music, new foods, and Santa.

Lots of children are afraid of Santa (real people dressed as Santa, that is). Adults often don't understand that, but if you consider it from a small child's point of view, they've never seen anything like that before! Some big (huge from their point of view) guy in weird clothing and lots of white hair and a beard (also something many children have never seen). He wants to hold them and says loudly, "Ho, ho, ho." Heaven knows what will happen next.

Peter Anthony had a birthday party in mid-December. His real birthday is December 25th. Peter W. decided to dress up like Santa and make an appearance. I don't remember where he got the costume, probably at Army Community Service at Fort Riley, but it didn't come with any kind of decent beard or hair. Peter tried to make them out of cotton batting and figure out some what to put them on. What a riot! The kids were small enough, and unsophisticated enough, that they didn't really notice that it wasn't remotely like hair and could have easily been pulled off.

So, one of the photos above is of "Santa" holding Leif. In the 1970s, we were still taking a mixture of B&W and color photos. I wish I had a color version of this one now.

Then there is a photo of Leif sitting in his high chair at the dinner table on Christmas Eve, and another one of him sitting on the floor with me, all dressed for bed, when we were opening presents. In our family, the tradition is to open family gifts on Christmas Eve. Santa comes to our house, but he doesn't bring the main gifts. He brings some small "extras."

And best of all, the photo of my three handsome guys looking happy! They are holding the Saint Nikolaus doll that we got in Nurnberg some years before, at the Christkindlmarkt. We still have that doll, but it is getting a bit worse for the wear after so many years.

Leif wasn't talking yet at this point, so we have no way of knowing just what he was thinking. He certainly was wide-eyed and interested.

Is He Here?

People tell me that Leif sees us, knows how we feel, that he's here. They believe this, but how can they know? Isn't that wishful thinking? Or have we somehow been taught that even though there supposedly aren't any such thing as ghosts, there really are . . . given that a large percentage of people believe in them?

Or, they tell me he's gone "to a better place," or that he's "in heaven." That, too, is a matter of belief, but depending upon which dogma you believe, Leif might be somewhere other than heaven, as a nonbeliever.

Tonight a funny thing happened. Peter W. was saying something about Leif and a small blue and white decorative plate fell off the wall. I jokingly said that I guessed Leif didn't like what he said, but I think some people would take that seriously. Personally, I think that if Leif were around and wanted us to know it, he'd pick something far more technically savvy and dramatic than knocking a plate off the wall.

And if he is here, is he here ALL the time? Like Santa Claus who "sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good, for goodness sake"? Think what THAT would really be like?

I talk to Leif a lot, but he doesn't talk to me.