26 Months Without Leif

Today it's been 26 months since Leif's death and it is still a shock. The mind still plays tricks, wanting us to think of him as alive, not wanting to let him go. He looks so alive and vital in his photos, looking out at me with those warm brown eyes.

This is another photo I had never seen before my cousin Marji sent it to me. It was taken almost exactly 19 years ago, on June 7, 1991, in Oregon when we were visiting Multnomah Falls with my Uncle Jerry. Seems amazing the weather was so cool, as we experience baking heat in Florida at the same time of year. Leif, Peter W. and I look so much younger and happier . . . and we were.

How I wish I could take Leif on one more trip . . . or many more trips. I'm glad we had the opportunities we did to be with him.

Someone commented on my last blog post, asking whether I believed in an afterlife. I've written about that on the blog before. I can conceive of the possibility, but find it improbable. However, there are so many incredible things about life and this universe I cannot say it's not possible, though even if there is an afterlife, I doubt very much that it is much like our conceptions of it.

The idea of an afterlife is immensely comforting to many people, but for me, the idea that I might see Leif again someday doesn't remove the fact that I miss him now, that I ache for the misery he went through, that I am sad for his loss and ours.

Another Anniversary

Sunday, June 6th was our 45th anniversary. We've had a wonderful marriage, one which Leif envied and would like to have emulated. I am thankful for all those years of happiness with Peter, and grateful that our love was strong enough to last through the grief of losing our son.

In May, I got a card from my cousin, Marji, with two photos she found in her father's things, photos that were taken when Peter W., Leif and I visited her and my Uncle Jerry in June 1991. I had never seen these photos before and I am so glad to have them. This photo was taken on June 6, 1991, our 26th anniversary, when we were with them in Oregon. We had a wonderful trip and it was so good seeing them after so many years. It was the second time that Leif met his Great Uncle Jerry, my father's only sibling, and the last time as well, and the first and only time he met Marji .

He was 16 years old and just starting to grow his hair long. He's wearing those trademark Oakley sunglasses, and his stylish Hypercolor T-shirt and those weight-lifter pants that showed off his figure so well. He's already towering over his handsome father.

He enjoyed the trip as much as we did. We flew to Oregon after attending Peter Anthony's graduation from the Air Force Academy. Uncle Jerry took us to see Mt. St. Helens and Multnomah Falls.

That summer, Leif was tall, slim and handsome, and felt like he was coming into his own. I love to think of him that way.

We went on a short cruise for this 45th anniversary and it was great, but coming home as always brings back memories and missing Leif, especially when we pass the turn-off that would go to where he lived, especially when we see all the things he brought into our house or that we ended up with when he died. For some reason, I've had a hard time with it today. Sadness comes back, no matter how much we try to escape it.