Seventeen years ago he took his life

Sometime between 2:00 AM and time to head for work in the morning of April 9, 2008, Leif ended his life. We only know that because he was with a friend until around 2:00 AM, and he didn't show up for work. His supervisor called me to see if I knew whether he was all right, because Leif was a dependable employee. We tried to reach him all day, hoping he was either off somewhere (since it originally had been planned for a day off for him), sleeping, ill, or something. No one could reach him. The next morning we drove to Tampa to his apartment. The manager let us into his locked apartment, and we found him dead on his kitchen floor.

I've never written, or even told, all the details of that morning, and I probably never will. It was devastating. The man who lived only until the age of 33 grew from this darling child. This photo was taken in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany, in October 1979 when he was four years old. I have to smile at the boy almost perpetually needing a haircut. I was the one who cut his hair, and he resisted it until I insisted. But, I loved his soft brown hair, which became a much darker brown when he was an adult, and in high school, when he didn't have Mommy trying to give him a haircut, he let it grow long and luxurious. Unfortunately, as he grew through his twenties, he started to get bald and then decided to shave his head. He was a handsome man with or without hair. 

This is the first year since his death that the years have crossed the threshold; he has now been dead for more than half the years he lived. Seventeen years doesn't seem like such a long time. I can still see him sitting in the kitchen, or at the dining room table, or driving up to the house in his RX7 with the stereo system blaring. I can still hear his chuckle, and his teasing about my driving, "Mom, you've always driven like an old lady."

I miss him, every day of my life. 

 

Leif the RC Car Builder Appeared in my Dream

I wonder how often I dream about Leif. Like most people, I rarely remember my dreams. When I do, it's almost always because something awakened me during the dream. That's what happened this morning. The phone rang and woke me from a dream about him.

I was talking to some man, no one I ever knew, about how Leif built his radio controlled cars, starting with the one when he was in sixth or seventh grade. That kit was made in China and had no instructions in English. I think it's quite remarkable that Leif was able to figure out how to put the whole thing together and make it work just fine. Later, he modified it to make it lighter and faster.

Leif had not been a very interested or avid reader, only reading what he absolutely HAD to for school until he discovered that there were magazines about RC cars and cool automobiles. He subscribed to them and devoured them with gusto.

Since he had a subscription to "Car and Driver" and some other adult car magazines, some list somewhere decided he was an adult male and started sending him credit card applications. He got a laugh out of that, and decided to have some fun with it.

One day, he took one of the applications and answered it all truthfully. Occupation: junior high school student. Income: $260 annually (his allowance), etc. He sent it back to them. Apparently, someone got the message, as he stopped getting credit card ads.

But back to the dream. Leif came into the room and I introduced him to this man, who was very impressed with him. In the dream, Leif was in high school, tall, handsome and very slender. He was wearing is trademark spiffy clothes (like he did at that time, not at the end of his life).

I wish I had been able to finish the dream and find out the rest of it, but if I had, I might not have ever known about it.

This photo was taken long before the Leif of the dream. It was in our garden in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany, in October 1979. He was four years old, and the hint of those charming dimples is showing here. He needed a haircut. I cut all the hair in our family, and it was usually overdue when it got done, usually because the boys didn't want their hair cut.

I don't know whether I ever saw this photo before. I hauled out some old slides and scanned them a few days ago. This darling picture was among them. I wonder how many more I will discover if I ever get the time to scan all of the slides we took.

Star Wars - Missing Leif at the Movie

Yesterday we went to see Star Wars Episode VII - The Force Awakens. We saw it in IMAX 3D, and it was magnificent. It was gripping all the way through, and it had all the classic elements of the tale of freedom against tyranny. It brought back the original stars, and scattered throughout were so many visual and plot references to the earlier films. The special effects were spectacular, and seeing it that large in 3D made it far more so. I enjoyed every minute of it, but at several points throughout the movie I had tears in my eyes or even rolling down my cheeks because I thought how much Leif would have loved it and he wasn't there to share it with.

Originally, we had hoped to go see it with Peter Anthony and Darren, which would have been great full for old times sake, though I would still have missed sharing with with Leif, too, and would have cried for that. I wish we had been able to see it with them.

As it was, I told myself I wasn't only seeing it for me, I was seeing it for Leif, but of course, that's only a nice thought; not in any way realistic.

I grieve for all he has missed, and all he will miss, the movies, the technology, but also what I had hoped for him in life, love, a family, a job that made use of his amazing mind.

If he had persevered, had lived, I don't know whether his life would have gotten better, or just been more misery for him. I don't know whether his health would have continued to deteriorate.

It's nice to think that if he had lived, things would have gotten better, but there's no real evidence that would have been true.

But whatever might have been a different outcome, I know what this one is. This one is missing him. This one is missing sharing something I know he would have loved. This one is missing talking with him about it, his enthusiasm, his insights.

There are so many things inextricably bound to him in my mind. They will always remind me of him and what we have lost.

And so, I completely enjoyed this movie, and completely surrender to the grief of not being able to share at least the discussion of it with him.

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The photo of Peter Anthony and Leif playing with some of their Star Wars toys was taken in October 1979 in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany. Leif was four-and-a-half years old.

His Favorite Holiday of the Year

New Years Eve is always tinged with nostalgia and a bit of sadness along with the anticipation of the new year, because it was Leif's favorite holiday. I don't know why, whether it was because of the party atmosphere so unlike other holidays, or the fireworks, which he loved, or something else. He wanted to be celebrating with friends or in a crowd, and most of all, wanted someday to be in Times Square in NYC to watch the ball drop. He never made it. This is our eighth New Years without him.

Our family didn't have any special New Year's traditions, and usually didn't take pictures then. We did stay up to see the new year come in, but that was about it. The most memorable New Years Eve we ever had was when we were living in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany, up on the hill where we could look all over the valley and see seven villages. That particular night, there was new fallen snow and a full moon, so everything shown in a soft light. We were watching this from our upstairs veranda, when the fireworks started. We saw the fireworks from all seven villages. How I wish we'd had the video cameras we have today. We don't even have any photos of this magical event. Leif loved it. He was only four or five years old. Perhaps that's what got him started loving New Years.

This photo was taken in January 1977. I no longer remember whether it shows him working with a puzzle he got for Christmas, or whether it was later in the month and was a birthday present. He would have been two years old that January. Bright little fellow that he was, he was already working puzzles. This one was of Oscar the Grouch. It was taken in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Nostalgia

This time of year is always bittersweet. It brings back so many memories, and I am grateful for all of the good ones we have of the years with our sons, those years when they were children and Christmas was magical, when their problems were small and we could actually handle them and really help. Those years when there was someone with young bright eyes to appreciate the Christmas decorations and help make the cookies and Norwegian Christmas bread, to sing the carols and anticipate the fun of Christmas Eve.

There's enough nostalgia in the air already, but it seems lately there are more reminders everywhere. Last Monday we went out to dinner at a Japanese steakhouse, and I remembered our years in Japan, the boys trying Japanese food, taking them to Japanese restaurants here.

Then, when I was driving home, the car on my left for a long time in a traffic jam caused by an accident was a silver RX8 like Leif's, like he was there accompanying me home.

Today, we went to the German American Chorus Christmas concert. I sang with this group for six years until their rehearsal time conflicted with Mom's retinology appointments. They sang German Christmas carols and I remembered the years we lived in Nurnberg and Sachsen bei Ansbach and Peter Anthony sang with the Sachsen Kinderchor, and how much he loved listening to Andrea Jurgens singing carols. I got tears in my eyes remembering and missing those days gone by.

We are fortunate that we had all those years together, that our memories bring them back. I miss my boys. I miss Leif. But I am grateful.
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This photo was taken on July 4, 1976 in Manhattan, Kansas, in our old stone house. Leif is on the right.

Leif and the Plaque for Timothy

Back in the days when I had time to make homemade gifts and thought they would be appreciated, I used to paint, sew, or needlework gifts for the family. I wasn't a good enough artist to come up with my own paintings for most purposes. When some of my nieces and nephews were born, I painted plaques for their rooms. This was one of them. I painted it in June 1978 for my nephew, Timothy, when he was a baby and had Leif hold it so I could take a picture. He looks so beautiful and sweet.

At the time we were living in Fuerth, Germany (Nurnberg), just before we moved to the village of Sachsen bei Ansbach. Leif was three-and-a-half years old. He was bright and curious, persistent and unstoppable. He had been attending a Montessori preschool which was excellent for him, but from which I have no photos.

Like so many of our photos from that time period, this one had fading and chemical staining. I've tried to rescue it.

Our boys did not have "professionally decorated" rooms, just as they didn't have professionally decorated birthday cakes. What they had on their walls was likely to be either things I had made out of needlepoint, posters, or things they had made or colored themselves. They had inexpensive, plain bedspreads, and quartermaster plain furniture, except for a toy box, which was mostly filled with things like Matchbox cars.

Little Leif in Wolframs-Eschenbach

I love this whimsical photo of Leif. He was rarely coquettish like this. He had a great smile, and liked to act silly, but was often serious. This is an unusual. It wasn't windy, so his hair just flew that way when he quickly put his head on the side. I was lucky to catch it.

The picture was taken in the town of Wolframs-Eschenbach, near Ansbach, in August 1977. Leif was two-and-a-half years old. At the time, we had just moved to Germany and were living in Fuerth, next to Nurnberg, and this was a day trip. However, a year later we lived closer to this down when we lived in Sachsen bei Ansbach. It's a quaint town with a lot of medieval architecture still in existence.

The boys enjoyed our outings, as we surely did. 

A Visit to the Zoo - Nurnberg, Germany - October 1979 - Age 4 and a half

We were fortunate to be able to travel and see so many place and interesting things with our sons. We have visited zoos in many cities and still enjoy going to zoos, now with our grandchildren. This photo was taken at the zoo in Nurnberg, Germany in October 1979. Leif would be 5 years old three months after it was taken. He as an active, strapping boy, but even he got tired out running around all over the place at the zoo and wearing himself out on the playground equipment, so he got a break riding on his dad's shoulders.

It was a fall day with the leaves turning pretty colors, though it was chilly and cloudy. We were there with our friends the Summerlins, whose daugher, Erin, was one of Leif's best friends and playmates in the little village of Sachsen bei Ansbach where we lived.

Approaching Two Years Since Leif's Death

What more can I tell you about my son, Leif Ashley Garretson, his life, his death, and our love for him and mourning his loss? I began this blog the day we found him, April 10, 2008, not knowing where I was going with this other than wanting a way to remember him. Sometime in the past six months I came to the realization that near the two year mark I would have said nearly all I want to say, although some new memories may come to me, and will have posted nearly all of the good photos of Leif I have. I resolved to close the blog, or at least the frequent posting, on the second anniversary. I had hoped to reach a visitor count or 10,000 by that time. As of today, there have been 9,854 visits since May 15, 2008, which is when I first placed the ClustrMap counting visitors, so it's likely that 10,000 has been reached, though not by the counter.

I find that I still have a few photos and a few more things to say before I close the book this has become, so I will continue for a few more days. After that, I will only post once in awhile. As with any blog, frequent or daily postings bring more visitors, so I expect visits to trail off after that, and that's all right. It's been two years of intense feelings, remembrance, introspection. I don't think I will ever be free of grief and mourning, nor will I ever be ready to let Leif go, but at least the wrenching pain has lessened and I no longer feel the need to post every single day. Probably that has been helped by the impossibility of it while we were traveling to South America and Texas this spring, when I didn't always have internet access or even time to do it. Maybe it's best that I had that break in routine.

Coming home always brings home the loss of our son. Driving through Tampa on the way home from the airport we can't help but remember how he used to pick us up at the airport, where the freeway exit for his apartment was, how we met him in town for dinner at places like Thai Tani and Mr. Dunderback's and went to movies together. Even having our sprinkler system brought memories of Leif trying to find the buried sprinkler heads after we bought the house, using one of his swords to jab through the hard-packed sandy earth to find them. So much reminds us of him every day.

I loved every day of his life, from babyhood to his death, though of course any truthful mother has to admit there were trying times, times when I was mad at him, times he disappointed me . . . and he probably felt the same way about me. But that's the thing about a strong family tie; those times are forgiven. Love goes on.

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These photos of Leif in one of our apple trees in Sachsen bei Ansbach in Bavaria, Germany, were taken in June 1979 when he was about four-and-a-half years old. They seemed to go with spring.

What Does He Reveal?

The "Live-In Girlfriend Job Description" I posted yesterday reveals as much about Leif and the relationship he was hoping for as it does about the situation he found himself in. The fact that he referred to a "promotion" to wife shows that he was hoping and thinking that things would work out and go in that direction.

Leif was attracted to women that he felt needed some kind of male protection, someone who aroused his protective instincts, but someone who also was physically attractive and alluring. It was a kind of classic "damsel in distress" that gave him purpose. However, once he had "captured" this damsel, he invariably felt he needed to change or improve her, whether it was a simple matter of dyeing her hair red or a more thorough makeover including teaching her how to dress and behave like a lady, for Leif DID want a woman who behaved like an elegant (but sexy) lady in public. He wanted to be the knight with the beautiful lady that everyone else would look at and envy him.

However, though Leif wanted to change his woman, much like Professor Higgins in "My Fair Lady," he also didn't want to change himself and resisted all efforts to make him change. This created plenty of friction, as his ladies didn't see that as fair and didn't like some of his faults, particularly his intemperate spending.

D really did need Leif's protection and voice of change. She had had such a difficult life that she had never had the opportunity to live the kind of life Leif grew up with or could offer her. I think part of his attraction for her was that he felt he could teach her a different way of life and new ways of interacting with the world, and probably that was one of his attractions for her as well. The "job description" refers to going to school and bettering oneself, and helping each other to curb destructive vices. Leif tried hard to get D to go back to school and get a degree so that she could find better jobs, but during their time together, she wasn't ready to try it.

He didn't go into detail about the destructive vices, but one he must have been referring to was over consumption of alcohol, something which wasted a great deal of money, caused him to put on weight, and caused D to lose control of her actions at times. They both needed to stop drinking, but they couldn't seem to do it. Another was smoking, which he does refer to. I don't know whether Leif ever really clearly realized how destructive drinking was for him or not. I do know that once or twice he admitted to me that he needed to cut down and even toyed with the idea of joining AA if he could convince D to do it, too. I don't know whether Leif was an alcoholic or not but I do know that he drank far more than he should ever have.

The "job description" was one of Leif's many attempts to refine the gold he saw in D. There was much that he found endearing and appealing, but they both had many complaints about each other as well. Unforunately, although they both cared about each other, it was not a good match and they were in for a rollercoaster ride with many swift turns and ups and downs before the relationship finally ended.

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This photo of a silly Leif up in an apple tree was taken in the yard of our house in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany, in June 1979. Leif was four-and-a-half years old.

Leif and Football

During this fall season of football madness I'm reminded how little interest either of my sons had in the game. Even their dad didn't show much interest in it until we moved back to Manhattan, Kansas in 1992 and the Wildcats had a winning team. It seems that we always had a football, and periodically their dad would suggest that they go throw it around to each other, but that was about the extent of football at our house. We didn't watch games much, either.

Thus this is kind of a rare photo of Leif, with the green Nerf football. There were about three shots taken during that same afternoon, and I can only think of one other picture of him with a football in his hands. This picture was taken in our yard at Am Römer 9 in Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany. You can tell it was already pretty chilly that October as Leif was wearing a warm jacket. He was four-and-a-half years old.

Even as a high school student and as an adult, Leif showed practically zero interest in football, and although he knew who some of the well-known players were, he couldn't really discuss the games, players or the season with any real background or enthusiasm.

I've often wondered why this was so. He was enthusiastic about soccer, but never showed any interest in playing football, basketball (despite his height), or baseball, or any other games involving a ball. Aside from soccer, about the only sports he participated in were discus and javelin throwing in junior high school, swimming (primarily because we taught him and took him to the pools and beaches). The two giant exceptions to this were judo, in which he earned his first degree black belt at the age of fourteen, and the sport of fighting in the SCA.

As an adult, it would have been good for him to have some physical sport outlet to help keep him in shape and raise his endorphins, but he preferred riding a motorcycle and playing computer and online video games. He did have a set of weights but I have no idea whether he used them.

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Peter W. tells me that Leif used to play touch football in the yard across the street from us with some of the neighborhood kids when he was in junior high, but I have no memory of this whatsoever. I know he never went to games or talked about it. I know he played volleyball at times, but that and soccer are the only ball games I remember him playing.

Peter Anthony & Leif in Merkendorf, Germany - August 1978 - Leif age 3 and a half

 
One of the charming towns in Bavaria near where we lived in Sachsen bei Ansbach was Merkendorf. We took a day trip there in August 1978 with the boys and my mother, who was visiting at the time. While we were photographing the quaint half-timbered architecture, they were busy finding something they could mess with. Hands-on is always more fun for a couple of boys.

What they found was this old watering trough and huge pump. The trough handily had water in it that they could get wet with, and the pump handle, while too big for them to manage much did allow manipulation. They were quite busy figuring out how it worked. I got a kick out of Leif's interest, at the age of three. Even then he was fascinated by mechanical things and able to figure them out quite well.

I think the lower picture is just precious, that beautiful little face, so intent!

We visited so many towns and cities in Germany, sometimes on Volksmarches, sometimes on day trips. Each was a special pleasure.

Leif and the Sweets - Heidelberg, Germany - August 1978 - Age 3 and a half

Germany is full of wonderful pastry shops called Konditoreien, which I guess could better be translated as "confectionary" shops. They have beautiful creations in their windows, Torten (fancy cakes), Plaetzchen (cookies), candies, marzipan creations, candied fruits and more. They are different from bakeries, which have breads and cookies but not the fancy cakes.

It was always fun to look in the windows of all kinds of shops, but these were especially attractive and we loved to stop at one for a treat. In Germany it's traditional to have afternoon coffee, much as the English have tea, with some sweets. We didn't make a practice of this at home, but we always enjoyed it when visiting Peter W's relatives in Heidelberg or the Stuttgart area, and if we were out on a day trip in a city we might treat ourselves at a Konditorei, where the hardest part was choosing among all the goodies.

Here Leif is posing (with his "struteper" tongue sticking out again) in front of a Konditorei window on the Hauptstrasse (Main Street) in Heidelberg in August 1978. He was so cute in his little shorts suit.

Like most kids, he enjoyed sweets, but he never "understood" chocolate or had any interest in it unless it was a chocolate brownie. Chocolate candy wasn't a favorite of his. He loved ice cream, particularly butter pecan, and he enjoyed the German marzipan goodies.

In the village of Sachsen bei Ansbach where we lived for two years, we didn't have a Konditorei but we did have an excellent bakery. I still miss their wonderful "Schweizer Brot," which was a light rye. What my boys loved there, though, were the "Drei Augen Gebaeck" (Three Eye Cookies). These were a rich shortbread cut in two rounds about four inches in diameter. One round had three holes about the size of pennies cut out of it, the three eyes. The two were sandwiched together with red currant jelly in between. They were sumptuous! All the years of Leif's life later, and Peter A. still, they remembered those cookies.

Leif - Sachsen bei Ansbach - Volksmarch - August 5, 1978 - Age 3 and a half

I've written several times about the Volksmarches (hikes) we went on in Germany and now I've found a photo of Leif on the Volksmarch organized by the village where we lived, Sachsen bei Ansbach. It meandered through the farmland and woods beginning about a mile and a half from our house at Am Romer 9.

Looking at this photo I have to marvel at how small Leif looks. Although he was always tall for his age, he was still a very little boy and we got so used to thinking of him as a tall man that these photos are almost startling. He looks so tender and vulnerable, so little.

The day of this Volksmarch it was really hot, hence the lack of a shirt on the boy. The rest of us had to keep ours on.

It's hard to believe that over 31 years have passed since this, our first Sachsen Volksmarch, shortly after we moved to the village.

Can you tell that the tree at left is an apple tree? We had apple trees in our yard there, too.

Tonight I am able to scan photos and look at them with a smile and lots of love, without the sadness and tears I often have. I can remember this day with fondness and delight. How fortunate I was to have it.

Garretson Family - Katterbach, Germany - November 1978

In the fall of 1978, some agency at the Katterbach army community was offering family portraits so that military families could send them home for Christmas. My recollection is that we discovered it when we were over there for something else and it was only available that day, so we had one taken even though were weren't exactly dressed for a family portrait. It turned out pretty nice even so.

Peter Anthony was going to have his tenth birthday a month after this was taken, and he was in the fourth grade at the Rusam Volksschule in Sachsen bei Ansbach.

Leif was three years old and would be four in two months. He was attending the German Kindergarten in Sachsen.

Peter W. was Chief of Justice (or Chief of Criminal Law, another name for the same position) for the 1st Armored Division in Ansbach and a major in the Judge Advocate Generals Corp.

Katterbach had a military housing area, a commissary, a heliport, a nondenominational chapel and various other services. It was just across some farm fields about 3/4 of a mile from our village of Sachsen and it was where we went for grocery shopping and a few American activities like Boy Scout events. Of course we knew some of the people who lived in the housing area.

When we moved to Sachsen from Fuerth, there were no quarters available there, and that's how we ended up living "on the economy" in Sachsen and sending the boys to the local German schools. We could have sent Peter A. to the American school, but at that time it would have meant that he would have had to ride a bus for an hour to an hour-and-a-half each way and we thought that was cruel and unusual punishment and chose the German school instead.

I doubt that Leif would remember Katterbach at all because we were seldom there and rarely for anything memorable to a preschool child, and Peter A. has few memories of his childhood, though in his case, Katterbach was signficant. He was an altar boy at the chapel and he brought the two communities together in song when he got the Sachsen Kinderchor (children's choir, in which he was a soloist) to sing at the Katterbach chapel at Christmas time.

Peter A. did know some boys in Katterbach because he was in an American Cub Scout den with boys from that community, but as far as I know, that was about the only time he saw them. His friends were from his school in Sachsen.

Leif had friends in Sachsen, both American and German, that he enjoyed playing with, but he didn't know anyone in Katterbach or go over there to play.

The year this was taken was a good one for us. We enjoyed our neighbors and activities in Sachsen, were very pleased with the boys' schools, did a lot of local traveling and Volksmarching, and loved living in "Hanni's house" at the top of the hill with the orchard around us. I'd love to go back to that time with my boys and Peter, sit in the kitchen on the "Eckbank" (corner bench, a kind of breakfast nook set) and make something with them, or look out over the valley from the balcony on the second floor. It would be so good to go back to a time when I had both my beautiful, smart little boys with me and the future looked bright and full of hope for both of them.

Leif & Peter A. - First Day of School - September 1978 - Sachsen Bei Ansbach, Germany - Age 3 1/2

When we moved from Fuerth to Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany in the summer of 1978, we decided to send the boys to the local German schools. Their school schedule is very different from the American one, and Peter A. actually went to the last few weeks of third grade there, even though he had finished third grade at the American school in Fuerth.

In the fall, Leif started going to the Kindergarten, which I've already written about, and Peter A. started fourth grade.

This photo was taken hastily the morning of their first day, as they were heading out the front door of our house at Am Roemer 9. You can see that in early September it was already chilly in the morning, and unfortunately, the sun was right in their eyes so they are squinting and aren't particularly happy with me for making them stand there for a photo. I wish I had a better one but at this point, I'm just glad I have one at all.

Both boys have their "Rucksacks" on their backs. Backpacks for kid this young had not yet caught on in American schools, but German students needed to bring things to and from school every day and a Rucksack was a necessity. The style of their school backpacks and pencil cases was also different from the American ones.

They had to take a snack with them each day, and that was one of the things that went into the Rucksack, along with books and "Hefte" (composition books) for Peter Anthony, who also had his pencil case and items such as a drawing compass.

Peter knew where he was going since he had already spent a few weeks at his school, the Rusam Volkschule, and we had taken Leif to see the Kindergarten when we enrolled him and had a tour. He had been in a Montessori preschool in Fuerth, so it wasn't his first school experience, but it was the first time he would be immersed all alone in a German-speaking environment where he would be the only American, English-speaking child. I wonder what he thought about that first day.

Peter Anthony was almost ten years old and Leif was three, going on four in four months.

Leif and Frau Buhr - Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany - September 1978 - Age 3 and a half

When we moved to the village of Sachsen bei Ansbach, Germany, we enrolled Leif in the German Kindergarten. In Germany, a Kindergarten is a preschool, not an elementary school class for five-year-olds. Sachsen had a beautiful Kindergarten with several classrooms. It was very modern and had a lot of wonderful curriculum materials and toys as well as a nice playground. Each child had a cubby for his or her her things, and each was required to have their own toothbrush, toothpaste and soap. Before a snack or a meal  they all went to the bathrooms to wash their hands, and afterwards they went there to brush their teeth, so a lot of good habits were taught, too.

Leif's teacher the first year he was enrolled there was Frau Buhr and he loved her dearly. I think you can see that in this photo. In her right hand she is holding a tiny bouquet of some little wildflower that Leif picked for her.

I don't know why Leif took to some people so much and not others, but the two women I remember him being emotionally attached to as a small boy were my sister Lannay and Frau Buhr. He was very affectionate to both of them.

When Leif started in at the Kindergarten that fall of 1978, he was the only American child in the school and the only non-German-speaking child. However, in a mere couple of months he had learned German so well just from being immersed in it that you would have thought he was a native speaker. I imagine that one reason he loved Frau Buhr so much was because during that period when he was unable to understand what was going on around him, she was warm and kind to him.

He had a good year that year but the next year at some point Frau Buhr went on maternity leave and Leif was very unhappy that she was gone. He didn't take to the new teacher who came to take her place. Her manner was quite different than Frau Buhr's and Leif did not respond well. It was a harder time for him and he got into trouble for losing his temper and throwing a toy, which hit another child. He was mortified, partly because of the scolding he got, but equally, if not more so, by what he had done.

The Kindergarten was about a mile and a half from our house. Going there it was downhill almost the entire way and coming back it was uphill. I walked him to school many days but later we had a car pool with a couple of other mothers of boys who lived up on the hill in our neighborhood. Leif had a couple of German boys from our hilltop area that were his playmates, and an American girl who lived about a block away.

I don't know whether Frau Buhr knew how much Leif loved her, but I suspect that all of her students felt the same way about her.

Three Volksmarchers - Somewhere in Southern Germany - September 1978

One of our favorite activities during our second tour of duty in Germany was Volksmarching. Volksmarches are hikes laid out by a local hiking club, that wander through villages and towns, but mostly through woods and farmland. You sign up and pay a small fee, and choose whether to hike the short, medium or long course. In those days, the short course was 10 km (6.2 miles), which was plenty for us and would take us about two-and-a-half to three hours with the boys, depending upon the weather and how challenging the terrain was. We never managed a 20 km or 30 km "march."

Volksmarches take place in all kinds of weather, and we were out in rain, snow and sleet as well as heat and sun.

The price to enter includes some "Kraftbruhe" at a couple of stops along the way. That's basically beef or chicken bouillon and is served steaming hot in disposable cups. It also includes your prize, which is a usually a medal with some interesting scene or personage on it, but could be a metal or wax plaque or a plate to hang on the wall. We had quite a collection of these and still have some of them.

It was a great way to see more of Germany, get some fresh air and exercise, and find a new restaurant to visit at the end or on the way home.

Lots of times, Leif would get worn out and have to be carried. After all, we started doing this when he was only two-and-a-half years old and six miles is quite a long way for those little legs.

I no longer know where this particular hike was, but we were living in Sachsen bei Ansbach at the time, and it was somewhere within a couple of hours drive of there in southern Germany. It was a lovely fall day and my guys did what they always did when there was something to climb . . . up they went, all three of them. I'm glad none of these logs rolled or slipped under their feet or we might have have some difficulty finishing the hike.

Peter W., as always with his arms around his boys, enjoyed those hikes, even if we did occasionally get lost for awhile trying to find them.

This photo was taken in September 1978, exactly 31 years ago. Peter A. was almost ten years old and Leif was a little over three-and-a-half.

Peter Anthony & Leif in Heidelberg, Germany - August 1978 - Leif age 3 and a half

We were so fortunate to be able to live just six kilometers from Peter W's beautiful home town in Germany, Heidelberg, when Peter A. was small. When we went back for our second tour in Germany, we lived in Nurnberg and then in Sachsen bei Ansbach, about a two-hour drive away, so we didn't get there as often to see Peter W's aunts, uncles and cousins, and to enjoy the city, but it was always a highlight when we did.

This photo of my boys with the Neckar River and the castle in the background was taken during a visit in August 1978. That was probably the visit when we went up to a balcony on the Heiliggeistkirche tower with Peter's Uncle Helmut to watch the spectucular fireworks during the "burning of the castle" celebration, commemorating the partial destruction of the castle during the Thirty Years War. It was a very special evening.

At the time this photo was taken, we were about to move from Nurnberg to the village of Sachsen bei Ansbach, where the boys would go to German schools, so at this time, they didn't yet speak German, as they would in a mere four months. Visiting their dad's relatives meant they didn't understand the conversation yet.

Peter Anthony was almost ten years old in this picture, and Leif was only three-and-a-half. Although Leif looks very small, it's hard to believe there was six years difference in their ages. Both our boys were blond when they were little but had very dark brown hair like their dad as adults.

Peter W. and I ride our bicycles together nearly every day and a few days ago he asked me several questions, like what was my favorite vacation, my favorite meal, favorite restaurant, favorite place we had lived, the best times of our lives. I always find questions like that so hard to answer. We have had so many wonderful experiences that it's very hard to pick a "best," or even ten "bests," but it set me to thinking about the best times of our lives and I think I would have to say the years between 1977 to 1986, when we lived in Germany, Japan and Hawaii. We had so many incredible opportunities and experiences, and yes, great food and fascinating travel, but those years were best of all because all four of us were together and doing it all together, and the boys were old enough to participate and enjoy it, too. This picture is a part of that, their chance to share in their father's hometown and heritage.

When we left Germany to move to Japan in 1980, I never thought it would be eight years before we went back to visit, and when we went in May 1988, Peter Anthony was not with us. Leif was thirteen. I don't think Peter A. has been back since he left in 1980, when he was twelve years old, and neither Leif, nor us, went back since 1988.

We had a trip to Germany planned for the end of April 2008, and our tickets purchased, but then Leif died and we could not go. Now when we make that trip it will be bittersweet for the memory of the canceled trip, and the memories of him there as a young child and a young teen, never to return.

The Boy Who Loved Cars

It's no exaggeration to say that Leif loved cars and motorcycles. He was fascinated with cars from babyhood. From a very young age, he always noticed sports cars and knew their names.

Just look at this photo of him when he was four years old in January 1979 at the wheel of his dad's Ford Taunus Coupe (a model from sometime in the 1970s). He had an eye for beautiful, sporty cars from the very beginning, and treasured his large collection of Matchbox cars of every kind and description. In those days, kids could buy Matchbox cars for about 35-50 cents at the Post Exchange, which was a satisfying way for Leif to spend his small amount of spending money. He had ships and planes, too, but cars were always in there in profusion.

At the time this photo was taken, we were living in Sachsen bei Ansbach, a small village near the cities of Ansbach and Nurnberg in Germany. Peter W. used this car to commute to work and the boys rarely got to ride in it. Partly it was because it was not a convenient car for a family, only having two doors, and partly because the car didn't have shoulder straps in the back seat and we had to get some kind of weird aftermarket harness things for the boys to wear if they were sitting back there . . . and they weren't allowed to ride in the front seat.

The other cars we had during that period in Sachsen were the blue Ford Pinto station wagon we had purchased in 1973 which was totaled in the accident I had in October 1978, a used gold Opel Diplomat, which wasn't in great condition, and a light blue used Mercedes sedan. None of those cars interested Leif much, but the Taunus did. That was partly because he didn't get to ride in it often but mostly because he perceived it to be a more sporty and stylish car, which it was. Once in awhile his dad would let him sit in the driver's seat and pretend, and he was so excited about that.