I made many a meal with that heavy little fellow jouncing up and down on my back. He was strong, and he would hook his little toes in the support that ran across my lower back and "jump" up and down with glee.
This photo was taken by my mother. It hadn't seen the light of day because it was so badly exposed and color shifted that she had never printed it or showed it to anyone. I'm surprised she didn't just throw the slide away. As hard as I worked with PhotoShop, I couldn't get the color and exposure right. For instance, the cabinet walls were a supposed to be a lovely shade of blue. The shirt I'm wearing actually had a brown background color. Our faces in the original slide were a lurid magenta-red. So, this will have to do, but I love it because he looks joyful and brings back the memories of those days in that kitchen, in a house no longer standing. It was taken early in 1976 when he was just over a year old.
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Madame, I never knew your son and ended up here by accident as his name popped up in regards to an online fan-project he was once involved in.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts on- and off for my entire life. Unlike your son I have been however fortunate enough to have lived with them into my early 50’s. Lately however, I have been having a rough time & thoughts of suicide had reared their ugly head again. It has been worse than usual – even for me. Reading your posts about your son, and how much you miss him and what his – apparent – suicide did to you, well, it made me think of my own mother who is still alive, and my sister and others whom I’d leave behind, perhaps always wondering if they could have done something differently that may have helped me through (they couldn’t have, btw). Reading about YOUR pain however has helped bring me to my senses again – so to speak. I know this is probably of little comfort to a mother who has lost her own son – but please know that your blog and sharing your feelings of loss has, for the foreseeable future at least, spared my own mother of having to go through the same thing. Thank you.
I don't know whether you will see this, but your comment really pulled at my heart. I am grateful and humbled if what I have written has touched you and helped you to remember that YOU are IMPORTANT to the people who love you. So often I wonder whether Leif really knew how much he was loved. Did he think we would just forget him and go on with our lives as though he had never been a part of us? That will never happen, and I hope you truly will find a way to stay with life! I am hopeful your mother, and the others who love you, will be spared the pain we felt and still feel. Know that I care. Be well.
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