Five Months Without Leif

I've been avoiding this today. Avoiding thinking about how today it is five months since we found Leif's body and our world fell apart. Avoiding thinking about how we have missed him each day of those five months, and that the pain isn't getting any less.

Avoiding thinking about how today is also my mother's 90th birthday and that Leif will never have another one. Avoiding thinking about how she has to live the rest of her life knowing the loss of her grandson.

We had a good German lunch at the Old Castle Tavern with Mom, and I made a half apricot, half cherry upside down cake, and took that to her house later in the afternoon, along with a new phone system I installed. We had a good time, and life seemed almost normal when we were together. She's a wonder and an inspiration.

I know Leif admired her and was proud of her. He helped her out with computer problems, helped her move, helped her deal with Humana. Leif helped us with many things as well, and we will miss that help, but most of all, we miss his company, his lively mind, his sense of humor, his insights, his hugs, and his love. Each day it is still hard to discover anew that he isn't here with us any more.

I don't know why I chose this photo for this post. For some reason it just seemed right, Leif in a big old tree looking contemplative. Peter W. took this photo in Hawaii, on the Big Island, I think, around 1983. Leif would have been about 8 years oold. He's wearing his cherished black Members Only jacket. I wonder what he was thinking.