This morning I dreamed about Leif. I was with him and Nikko. They were friendly and caring about each other, but their marriage was over and Leif was going away somewhere, it seemed to join the army, but I thought I would never see him again, so that wasn't quite it. Everyone wanted to go see him off the at the airport and were organizing transportation. The house was full of relatives and friends, but Leif slipped out alone and left without saying goodbye. I ended up crying on Nikko's shoulder and saying, "Why couldn't it have worked out between you two?" She cried, too. In my dream, Leif was gone and we couldn't contact him.
No goodbyes. The mind finds ways to tell its stories even in our dreams. It made me very sad.
People think that by a year past the death of a loved one, those left behind should be moving on, getting past it, but it is common for real depression and loneliness to set in many months past the death. I have spoken with people who were so heartbroken and depressed a year after a family death that they had to seek therapy and medication. I'm not at that point and I doubt that I will be, but I do have days when I am deeply sad.
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This photo was the closest to how Leif looked in my dream. It is a self portrait he took on September 8, 2002, at the same time he took the one he posted as his profile picture on MySpace. He had regained some of that bright, hopeful look he had lost in the army, and was a senior at Kansas State University. He was 27 years old.
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